Ah, and so I'm back to rant about my seemingly favorite topic. LOVE.
Cheesy, ain't it? Haha
Actually, no. I'm just here for a quick rant. The love boat is gliding along perfectly fine, thank you very much.
I have once, long ago, considered make-up to be a vice, something I just love to do but not really a need. And along with that also belong cellphones, computers, internet and lotions. (it's my list so shut up) But now, in this time and age, all these things have become more than just mere accessories to us. They (computers and gadgets, not lotion) have become the pillars of this age's commercial empire. And where does make-up come in with that? Nowhere. Hahaha
I actually truly love make-up. But it's also become a part of me, of how I function as a person. I'm not saying I couldn't live without it, but that doesn't mean that it's already a vise. I Need it. (For you little girlies out there who've just hit puberty and are still waiting for your boobs to drop off from high heavens...this isn't you.) I need make-up to help me project then inner me. I mean, come on! Haven't any of you, at one point or another wished that your face was/is a canvas and that you have all the time and element in hand to pain yourself a new face? If you can honestly say you've never had that urge at least a fraction of a second once in your life, then you're as dead boring as a rock. In fact, my pet rock is more interesting than you.
And here again lie our extreme differences.
Read my lips: I WORK.
I don't just sit around all day watch TV and complain that my butt's getting big or that my tummy's bulge when I sit is higher than that of my boobs. Stupid girl! I'm not buying that "I'm proud of my natural self" crap from you, either. As dense and ignorant girl as you, you're proud of everything in your life....even the ones that you shouldn't be. If you're proud of your natural self, then why do you hold in your tummy in vain attempts to make your bloated tummy seem smaller every time your picture is taken? Not everybody is as stupid as you are.
My point is, I am appalled at your guts to tell me that my make-up is my useless vice. I don't remember ever having any self-indulgent vice for over three lifetimes now. Unlike you who loves to spend your parents' hard earned money partying from one bar to another and then manage to get yourself knocked up by some ignoramus jerk, us working people need to look presentable and decent while trying to claw our way through the corporate world. So shut your stupid mouth and go find something worthwhile to do aside from efficiently converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
So, it's been what? Quite a while, huh? I feel like time's passed me by in a manner of a whiplash that's late for work. Has it been two months already? And even before that, when was the last time I wrote something substantial here?
Anyways, updates people?
Well, for one...I'm still writing. That is good, yeah? And I'm being paid for it. Even better, don't you think? Tee-hee. Well, I'm officially back in the work force, or so they say. I've been busy, really busy. And I've gotten sick as well. But also, I've been paid! Whee! haha. And I've helped people...although I did annoy some but eh, all in a day's work, ain't it?
I've gained back what seemingly little weight I've lost. >_< demmit! But i've got a new phone. And a new number. ^_^ I'm still not nearly half done updating and loading my contact list but I'll get there..eventually. Soon...hopefully, not that soon.
I've made new friends...found some new annoyance to whine and gripe about. Nothing but balance in the great scheme of things, eh? I've learned of people dying, causing millions of people to grieve but there are celebrations in life, like the pregnancies of people I know, and miss terribly. Ah, but the circle of life! Celebrations!!!
And although I don't know of personal friends seperating or calling off their relationships, I have however, had friends who had gotten married and have gotten engaged.
Hrrmm...what else?
I have prunned off people whom I think are but roadblocks to happiness...and that they're not really acting like friends at all, to begin with. But enough about them. I have tasty words in store for them but those words won't be served today and for two good reasons, at least.
First, would be that revenge, or something like that (at least I'd like to think so, anyway) is always best served cold. This is the shallow and careless impulsive response made by the hot headed and proud me.
Second, is that through the years (not that I've lived long enough to boast so many revering life experiences), I have learned that it is always best to step back, count to ten and take a big, deep breath of air before doing something vital as cutting of relationships. And I've read somewhere this chinese proverb which, says "Never do anything at the height of your emotion."
I'd like to think that someday, things will change again, as they faithfully and always do, and I will perhaps, find myself friends with them again. And that everything now is just a misunderstanding and that I was just overreacting. Everybody deserves a second chance, right? I know I've had more than my fair share of second and third and even up to the nth chances and heaven knows I always find ways to mess things up but I've always been met with grace.
Ah, blessed grace.
---
So, what have you been up to?
If I get a shovelful of dirt for every time I let a brilliant idea I have settle down and get stashed up in the back of my head for "future use" I'd have mountains by now. That's never a good thing. Ever.
Today, while hunting for a clear folder in my huge pile of books and papers, I found buried deep down under the pile of all the papers and books I've managed to gather while in University (and still somehow have kept for those many "just in case scenarios" that never happened anyway) an old notebook full of random short quips of the things that crossed my mind that time. They were so all over the place, very random and vague. And I found it so refreshing.
Why must everything be explained? For once, I loved reading my thoughts and not knowing the reason behind them. And still they made sense. I would like to be able to read back on my thoughts one day without having to be reminded of all my emotional roller coaster that time that led me to think that way. I think I can be spared of having to go through emotional traumas twice (at least) because remembering can both be a blessing and a curse.
So why not celebrate randomness? That's life in it's most candid form, isn't it?
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There are times when I believe that life should be lived in such a way where there isn't any room for regrets and I can, on some times, convince myself I have no regrets . But who am I trying to kid, right?
I have so many regrets, so many things I would change in a heart beat if I could but believe me, right now, you are by far my biggest regret. And the funny thing is, I could never bring myself to think of you as a mistake.
How does that actually work, huh?
Haha. I am in no such trouble, contrary to what some people jumped into concluding when I've suddenly declared "I'm on an internet break!".
I am merely just keeping out.
The people I need to keep in close contact with online, I still do. It's just a matter or prioritizing.
Been busy with a lot of things. Been sorting out things and have been trying to decide which clutter is need to keep, which ones I need to sort and which ones I just need to let be.
I'll be back again someday. Well, maybe every now and then when something comes up or if I get to find the time to chase after my increasing landslide of thoughts and process them into a few stringed words.
The weather is funny. So like my own moods lately. So many frustrations and yet, just as well, so many marvelous unfolding of miracles. Ahh...such is the way of life, mi amor.
Weight update: I gained back 5 lbs! Aaacck! I am not surprised, I actually saw this coming. I felt that my purple dress was a little snug last Sunday. Have been immersed into too much food lately, plus trying to learn as much recipes as I could for whatever given time I have left. Surprise! Surprise! Ohh, this is too delicious a secret to keep but a secret is a secret and thus it shall remain that way until it is ready to be unvieled.
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You have gone frome being adored to just this annoying aftertaste that stubbornly lingers inside my mouth after I've eaten a cheap noodles. Such a tragedy you have become.
Staying away and keeping out.
Things don't always turn out the way we want them to, and in some ways, I do find comfort in that face since none of us really know what we want most of the times.
There are things that are happening in my life that is contrary to the things I like but I've learned from something like this happening to me before and to say that I was grateful for it would be an utter understatement.
For someone who doesn't like surprises, this one doesn't faze me at all. Of course, it helps a LOT knowing that the GOD who holds my future is not capable of making mistakes, full of grace and is the source of love and faithfulness. Knowing that makes me at ease to whatever is coming my way. I know all will be well.
~*~*~*~
And we know
that all things work together for good
to them that love God,
to them who are the called
according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
What have I been up to?
I've been quite busy, lately. And I've had so many things to write about, too. Oh, and I have been writing, just not here, though.
I meant to write about a certain particular topic for so many times now, something which really bothered me, to say the least.
The more I love, the more I learn about hate and the more I understand how people can be bitter. But I think there is a certain point in time where one can still take a step back and actually choose not to take the path to bitterness.
I have decided not to be bitter and that I have had enough of you. You don't control me and I will not allow the pain you've caused to drive me to misery.
Someday, I will forget and someday, I will read everything I have written here. I think I will mourn and hate you for as long a time as I grieve you but when I have exhausted every bit of emotion I have for you, I will forget and I want to make sure you stay that way...forgotten.
Suffice it to say that I have bled your name in paper and slowly, with each deep stroke of the pen, you ebb away. It will be burned and will be forgotten someday. But in these pages where I'll still read through years from now, you will not have the satisfaction to linger here.
I have never been the kind to give up easily on friends and usually, when I place people on a pedestal, they're considered gilded and on some special cases, golden to the core. You are the first. That's why you shall remain name-less. I thought wrong.
You live, you learn, eh?
I will not pretend. I don't wish you well. Every time I think back on what had been good times with you, all I see are scorned moments, all pretend laughter and smiles reeking with poisonous doubt. You vile, faithless and selfish pig, once a cheater, always a cheater. I hope you feel the pain of betrayal he felt when you cheated on him.
You are such blasphemy in the name of friendship.
sometimes
i lose track of time
confusing today
for tomorrow
or that
altogether
time has stopped for me
or just
it forgot to pass me by
forgetting
it can be bliss
the mind taking control
throwing away the key
burying what the heart
cannot
will not
but i
i have you safe
tucked away
yet
indescribably so
all over me
like an eternal sunshine
you are
in a place
where
try as they may
they just cannot get
in to
I have hidden you well
under glorious blankets
of cornflower blue
stitched securely
by the iridescent prism
of the faithful horizon
ever there
unwavering
unfaltering
and my love,
so are you
-----
San Rafael, Ilo-ilo
PhilippinesSummer `09
I feel as though all my creative juices have all been sucked out from me while doing a Counseling job at the Camp. Those kids could really be quite a handful. I'm expected to handle more again next week! Yikes!
So yeah, updates updates.
I don't get women and I am a woman. Really. And I feel anxious about it, in a way I suppose. Guys are allowed not to "get" women because they are from Mars and us women are from Venus. But what is my excuse? Maybe I'm really just from goody ol' Earth.
I know I have my issues (who doesn't?!) but really...I feel like her issues are far more ahh, err..how do you call that? Crazier than mine? Hah. I know she'd be more upset with me if she finds out that her childishness and unreasonable outburst didn't faze me at all. Tee - hee. I've no qualms with her or whatsoever and I'd still be here, waiting for her to calm down and be a friend again. I have way too many things on my plate right now to be bothered by her immaturity and to think that she's almost a decade older than I am.
"I'll talk to you again when I'm not so displeased with you anymore."
Uh, sure. Haha.
Vexations, vexations. Oh, how you love to poke me.
------------------------------
On a lighter and much grander side of things, I'm still bathing in bliss. I know that love goes hand in hand with pain but on those blessed days, it doesn't really have to hurt. Not if you can help it.
Oh, imagine the colors we'd paint together.
Taken while perched on top of a moving truck on our way back to GEBS after going to a waterfall for a quick dip. Summer `09.
---
San Rafael, Ilo-ilo, Philippines
-------
How's the world been treating you lately?
I know I haven't written anything here for the past weeks and believe me, I have so many valid reasons for it. But this just in:
I think it's terrible when a lover cannot quite tell when the other needs support and sensitivity. Fucking hate it. It's terrible to have to beg for the scathingly zing of the obvious either.
Meh.
I once posted this on my Xanga site a little over 5 years ago. I was scouring for old posts (I do that when I'm in a contemplative mood) and found this. I remember that I've always love this, being one of the earliest poems I composed. I was big on rhyming, then.
Nothing Lasts Forever
Nothing lasts forever;
Seasons pass and flowers wilt,
mountains crumble and time crushes every foundation man has so faithfully built.
towers collapse and beauty fades,
youth cannot be chained and be a person's slave.
Nothing lasts forever;
I have found this to be true.
A time would come when friends would let you down and be sorry for what they've done to you.
At first, i ached but i learned to adapt,
I have to save myself from pain and hate lest I'd allow my soul for it to corrupt.
Nothing lasts forever;
but i also found something else,
it's always been there - waiting for me to hear the eternal story it tells.
it's not a slave and a respecter of time,
it just sat there in a corner, silently waiting for me to claim it mine.
Love lasts forever;
yes, it does! This love so pure and true,
it broke through time just to reach me and you.
When everything else failed i realized this love sustained,
when friends deserted me this love remained.
A love to hold forever;
when faith falters and hope is gone,
when promises are broken and bonds of trust has come undone,
when despair would block the sunshine the morrow would bring,
this love would cradle you when doubt would start its sting.
Nothing lasts forever;
nothing but this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break a heart of stone.
This love can last forever. Yes, this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break your heart of stone.
02/10/05
11:44pm
-djframo
