What are you?

I am part Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Malay (probably) and Filipino but let's cut the bull, shall we? I am a Filipino through and through. It doesn't matter if I don't look like one sometimes.

I have been mistaken as an Italian - go figure. I also have been mistaken as a Castillian lady. Sometimes, I get to be mistaken as a half-breed (phil/am) but  so far, the most ridiculous one was when I was mistakenly thought by this white little boy to be his German mom ( he ran up to me and hugged my legs) - you have no idea how weird that was for me.

If you're a japanese who moved to the USA, would you say you're a Pacific Islander or still a Japanese? Japan is in the Pacific. But would you call a japanese as a pacific islander? No, you wouldn't. How about an Indonesian? Or a Thai? No, you still wouldn't.

What really irks me is those no good ignorant twats who think they're too good to be associated with asia [or the Philippines for that matter] and call themselves as Pacific Islanders. It's just stupid and annoying at that. They think calling themselves pacific islanders would make them look exotic or "cool".  One thing for sure, it does make them look like a bunch of ungrateful fucktards.

They may fool themselves into thinking they're pacific islanders but their body structures say otherwise. They're too small and short to be one. Apparently, too stupid to tell, too.

They say that love's a game of easy come and easy go.

I don't know who really said that but the person who said that should be shot right in the middle of the eyes. How dare the fool!

I would like to think that I was not a part of whatever it was that broke you. Moreover, I still would like to think that you had my best interest in mind and utmost considerations were given when you broke me.

It's amazing how one small decision can profoundly affect your life. Priorities would suddenly change and activities would shift. what used to matter suddenly becomes irrelevant and what used to be staggering dramatically now becomes dull.  Life is indeed a whirlwind of change.

I am grateful for love.

---

Bound to the confines of what should be and how, I sometimes could feel myself crumble inside. My defenses cracked by the reverberating blows of frustrations and aborted expectations, of masked pains and bitter stings of helplessness.

Wouldn't it be great to have  someone that could see you how you are inside no matter how much you try to hide behind your high wall of insecurity and pretensions?

Someone to understand and love me for who I am. For the dreamer in me. For the little silly girl in me. For the brash impatient brat in me. For the indulgent chit in me. For the chuckling ignorant in me. For the lashing bitch in me. For the frail and insecure shadow in me. For the sarcastic prick in me. For the frustrating doubter in me. For the stubborn and proud screw-up in me. For the clingy love-fool in me. For me in my utter dependency to be loved and be accepted for who and what I am and not for what I could become and what I will become.

When I cry. When I laugh. When I scream. When I dream. When I'm mad. When I'm hurt. When I'm lost. When I'm confused. When I'm mean. When I'm being too unreasonably sensitive. When I'm being frustratingly indifferent. When I'm too proud. When I'm being annoying. When I'm being nostalgic. When I'm being me, I hope to find you beside me telling me you still love me.

An old friend's name appeared to be "on-line" earlier and my breath got knocked-out from me for a quick moment. How long has it been? Four? Perhaps even five years now.

Oh, God! Memories. Lots of them.


sometimes the time just sweeps away
and you're left with yesterday
left with the memories
i always think of you and smile


Now I'm wondering....did it not dawned on us that nothing lasts forever? I still have the pictures. They bring back all the memories, both of fond and tragic ones. Memories I try so hard to hold on to while time's vindictive claws treacherously try to constantly blot them to oblivion. I miss us. Look at us. We were happy and young and innocent. Are you happy now, wherever life's taken you?


please remember
i was there for you
and you were there for me
please remember
our time together
when time was yours and mine
and we were wild and free


Ahhh...but look at the precious sunset! Remember how we used to walk for miles to reach the most secluded marine sanctuaries and frolic in the water along with the fishes and marvel at the beauty of the world under the sea? Didn't we think that we'd be doing just that for an eternity of weekends? Who cared if we didn't have money? We were blissfully happy. Do you still remember? We were too happy and content to care what people thought of us and we shared thousands upon thousands of heart-felt whimsical dreams. Didn't we think we'd be traveling all over motherland by now, soaking up the sun and laughing the time away?


Who’s to know what might have been
We’ll leave behind a life and time
We’ll never know again


But that was the problem, was it not? We got a taste of the best and now nothing just compares. Time has a way of changing things and people and things past will forever belong to the past. I hope I don't lose the memories. I hope to see you again. Perhaps we can make yet another great memory. Maybe, just maybe we'll get to know how it's like again...even in a different time and place.


And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
I had you and you had me


We really did have such a time. A time when you were my muse. You saw my nakedness and I heard your snores.  We saw countless births of ourselves and together we buried our dreams, lost and forgotten. I saw through your eyes and you spoke through my mouth. We held hands and we made plans. We understood. We laughed and we belonged. We laughed out loud and we were free. We were friends. Now, what are we?


A moment?

This shall be different.

I have been calling my "firsts" as Eves because they have been the firsts [blogs] but I have decided that with this, I will break the mold.  I have been "moving" a lot lately, trying to find a niche where I can be completely myself without harboring the fear of being discovered by people I have been wanting to hide from.

I have jumped from one site to another, testing out the waters, so to say, and frequently, while in the middle of pouring out my sentiments, have felt the urge to "neutralize" the shades so what I paint with my words won't be too obvious to the insensitive eyes and heart of whom they're actually meant for.

Literally defeats the purpose, does it not?  I will not explain the feeling since I  owe it to no one.

Perhaps this shall shelter my anonymity for long and if so, I shall possibly stay.