If I get a shovelful of dirt for every time I let a brilliant idea I have  settle down and get stashed up in the back of my head for "future use" I'd have mountains by now. That's never a good thing. Ever.

Today, while hunting for a clear folder in my huge pile of books and papers, I found buried deep down under the pile of all the papers and books I've managed to gather while in University (and still somehow have kept for those many "just in case scenarios" that never happened anyway) an old notebook full of random  short quips of the things that crossed my mind that time. They were so all over the place, very random and vague. And I found it so refreshing.

Why must everything be explained?  For once, I loved reading my thoughts and not knowing the reason behind them. And still they made sense. I would like to be able to read back on my thoughts one day without having to be reminded of all my emotional roller coaster that time that led me to think that way. I think I can be spared of having to go through emotional traumas twice (at least) because remembering can both be a blessing and a curse.

So why not celebrate randomness? That's life in it's most candid form, isn't it?

-------------------------

There are times when I believe that life should be lived in such a way where there isn't any room for regrets and I can, on some times, convince myself I have no regrets . But who am I trying to kid, right?

I have so many regrets, so many things I would change in a heart beat if I could but believe me, right now, you are by far my biggest regret.  And the funny thing is, I could never bring myself to think of you as a mistake.

How does that actually work, huh?

if you walk away
then I'll walk away too
i wont remain
if you should ever decide
to part
I will not settle
I will not doubt
walk away and then you'll see

forget
and i shall remember nothing
throw away
and I will not deter
Ignore
and I shall burn
ever ounce of fiber
every string of anything
nothing remains
all is absolute

do not
for a moment
think that you own me
for although thoughts of you
are etched in my mind
your name branded on my skin
i can just as easily shake you off

I will scrape my body if i have to
i will have my wings clipped
i will grow them back
and surely
i can grow myself new skin

so don't you dare
think you can ignore me
that i am at your disposal
for you are a typical fool
and a blissful ignorant
at that

you don't threaten me
for I have already
died a dreamer's death
and for whatever that still binds us now
it can be easily broken

          and remorse?

                    it died along with me
                       when i first bled
                              for you


djf
09/22/08
08:56pm

*picture NOT mine.

I have heard the line, "Live a life without regrets." for so many times and I have agreed with it for so long now without really thinking about it. I've agreed with it for years but not today. No, not now. Not now when I am flooded with all these things I have desperately tried to forget.

What is so wrong with regrets? According to dictionary.com, regret is a feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different. And so I ask again, what is so wrong with regrets?

If regret is the feeling we get for not being satisfied with what's happened, does that mean to say that we should lead a careless and unreflective life? If so, then we'll never learn from our mistakes and we will never ponder on how to make things better the next time, if give the grace of a second chance.

I know that the saying probably means the same thing with "No use crying over spilled milk." but I'm thinking it's rather very cavalier for someone to go on a life with purely no regrets. Picture this: Little brother broke your mobile phone so you get pissed off and you slapped him a bit too hard and yelled something very degrading in the height of your rage. After a while, you calmed down and realized you've been too harsh. Do you feel remorse? Regret? Yes? But the saying states to live a life without regrets so you brush off the tugging feeling and justify your guilt by telling yourself, "Oh, the little bugger deserved it. A little discipline will do him good."

A life with no regrets. What a load of bull.

- I regret not waiting.
- I regret not paying attention.
- I regret being impulsive.
- I regret being insensitive.
- I regret for acting so slow.
- I regret lying.
- I regret [wasting] time with you.
- I [sometimes] regret forgiving [you].
- I regret yesterday[s].
- I regret I love[d] you.
- I regret stupidity.
- I regret weakness.
- I regret gutlessness.
- I regret songless nights.
- I regret forgotten memories.
- I regret indecisiveness.
- I regret.

Do you ever regret about me? Did you? I hope you did and I hope you do.

__________
* picture not mine.