I miss having someone to really talk to. I have some serious things I need to unload and I recently just lost you for good. Have you noticed how off we have been since then? The half-hearted laughs and the forced mesh is flaky and pathetic.

Once, there's always been an us. That natural flow of oneness was great while it lasted. I'd be a hypocrite if I'll say I truly want you to be happy. At least, not with her.

You know what? I just realized I hate winter. Guess I'm fucked then, aren't I.

Too bad we can't talk anymore because you're too busy screwing her. I hope, at least for an ounce of your self respect that her breasts glow. Otherwise, you're just another bastard. Nothing special...just a fool who blossomed to douchiness late.

There are people who are just simply too exhausting to keep. They are the ones who are unbelievably so conceited and vain, that being around them is purely a lot of work and is draining. They must be constantly lavished with attention and affection. They pout and throw a tantrum should you direct your attention to something else not towards their general direction. They are very needy and they cling too much to the point of strangling. They tend to be very sweet and loving at first but as time goes on, they start to choke you with their constant demands for petty things that should not be the point of one's attention 24/7.

They get possessive and jealous when you talk to other people. They want you to devote your attention to them while they're around but the problem is, they ARE constantly around. They have to be the center of attention and the everything else should revolve around them because heaven forbid, people should dare try to lead their own separate lives.

They don't want to talk; all they ever need is your constant praise. You talk to them about something else for a change and they pretend you never said a thing. You might as well have been talking to a brick wall. For something different, you can shift to a new topic like how one time they did this or had that or was just given praise about this and that. Anything else is good as long as it's about them.

And well, yeah. I am too damn tired of them. Enough is enough!

I don't want to be in constant update with your life; I have my own to live. I care about you but I care about other things, too. I love to talk but please, let's make this a pleasing conversation where you and I share both our little worlds and not as if I'm in class. I am very appreciative of things, especially beautiful ones and I love giving compliments but please don't force them out of me - you only make me abhor you.

Please don't be selfish that all you want is you to be everything for everyone. If you so much want to see your reflection at all times, go see a mirror. The world and everything else does NOT revolve around you so stop acting like they do. Stop blackmailing your friends emotionally that you force them to hide at the very thought of you.

Get a life. And stop begging - you look like a dog!

I don't want to see you. The fact that you are insensitive just clashes with my hyper sensitivity. I still sometimes get the blues trying to understand how we could be so different from each other when there is the unspoken language that only both of us understand to bind us. I still don't get it. And on some honest jaded days, I get to contemplate that maybe I won't ever will. Just as you won't ever understand why nothing is ever good enough for you.

What am I to you?

I simply refuse to believe that one would just forget about the existence of something supposedly important in one's life and then after a gulf of oblivion, one suddenly remembers. What do you want from me, this time? I cannot bleed for your wounds and be discarded like trash the moment you feel better. Time and time again. I'm sorry but unlike you, I have trouble getting over something I've invested my heart into.

So. no. Don't come. I don't want to see you. Live your life now like I am living mine. I am happy for you and I truly hope you will find contentment this time. Don't go running after the wind hoping to come to a full stop.

I hate you for making me wish that it was I who made the difference.

How do you comfort someone who is going through pain you can only dare to imagine? How do you answer questions you yourself have asked for a lifetime? How do you make someone understand a logic braced by faith when logic alone doesn't make sense? How can you shelter a heart that's selflessly dying to save others from pain?

There are times when the mind and the heart goes hand in hand. But when circumstances dives to extreme and the heart drops to the abyss of grief, the mind tries to make sense of what is mad and in attempt to hold reason together, it snaps and you'd be amazed at how fast a human's defense mechanism takes over. Overnight, a new man emerges and you gasp in blatant disbelief on how both extreme personalities could possibly co-exist in one body.

I know he's still in there. Deep down, probably tired and weary, resting along with the questions that deafens and are left unanswered. I believe that with enough patience, prayers and constant love, I will get to see the blessed day he'll come back again.

When words of comfort and promises of understanding and love fall to deaf ears, what do you do? When nothing is good enough and things doesn't make sense, how will you live? When madness reigns, turning friends to enemies, sending paranoia to hunt you down, how do you go back to who you once were?

How do you forget a memory too big a milestone, it killed everything that's good? How do you start being a person after the soul's died? How do you suppose to know love after love's fled away.

What's left is a hallow and tired shell of a tragic yesterday. The broken and dry image of what once was is a bitter reflection of how dreams are when they die. Blind and senseless eyes stare back in mocking desperation. Perhaps, a remembrance of a distant longing of a distant life.

i am confused
emotions clouding reasons

people
they all try to change me
telling me of the things
i should
and
should not be

when i act with reason
my best isn't good enough
when i move with emotion
i'm often told
i've made the wrong decision

i've painted myself a picture
of another
i've caged myself
in
 a standard of me.
strengthened by mistaken acceptance i sought after
i long to see the day that i'll be free

in a double standard society
where everything's read between the lines
it's hard to stand erect
defend your position
when everybody's out to get you
dragging you
out to all direction.

on late
 quiet nights
when the world is spinning dead
my emotion's numb
my body tired,
with hollow aches pounding on my head
i strain to reach deep sleep
but slumber would just not come
feels like i'm fighting a winless battle
and my senses all loose and undone

i'm falling into a bottomless pit
darkness blinding me
i'm dying to see the new dawn
dying to have a real life of my own

08/14/08
03:11pm
~djf

I know I am a very impatient person and that I tend to leap into my concocted what ifs years away from today while being utterly disgruntled in the here and now. *sighs*

I am frustrated at how things seem to not work the way I planned them to. The way I hoped them to. My heart is broken. I am mad at myself for being not good enough.

Am I settling?

I am afraid and I am tired. There are days when I feel so much pain and frustration I end up numb. Doesn't matter if I fall down - give me your best shot. It couldn't get any worse than this.

I noticed this rather odd thing about myself when dealing with myself. I observed, I tend to talk in circles and nerve wrecking mazes when I talk to myself.

Yes, I talk to myself. Everybody does. What?! You don't? You freak. What? People don't talk to themselves? Pish. Normal is boring, anyway.

Where was I? Oh, yes! Circles and mazes. How lovely.

No, really. See what I mean? I ramble in incoherent loops that I never figure out in the end. I ask questions I know the honest-to-goodness answers to and yet I deny them blindly.

I feel like I am dreaming that I'm in a dream. The dream I dream I'm dreaming (get it? Hah!) isn't exacly a dream but rather, a nightmare in a way that I couldn't seem to wake up from it where I'm totally helpless and frustrated.

I can't feel my legs and arms. I am currently emotionally depleted.