I am excited to see her again. It has been exactly two years since we last met and this time, she's visiting my sugar laden shores. A lot has changed with her and I am taking this chance to see her again before she move on to conquer another mountain, before she blaze another trail.

Things are well again and as always, I have this silly grin plastered on my face.

--- * ---

Today, I have come to gather the courage to face the death of another dream. I am not broken-hearted, amazingly enough, I feel no pain. Perhaps I have grieved for this death long enough and now is the time to move on.

Sometimes, the winds of change brings along with them seeds of possible relationships. People who touch us and we let them grow into the soils of our hearts. But although love is too grand, we still need to choose wisely on who we let grow in our hearts. we are but mere humans, feeble and can be emotionally depleted and if we want to be there and last for the ones we love [that really does matter], we have to choose.

Some seeds grow only to hurt us, their roots constricting our hearts, choking us until we're all too parched up to give anything more. The problems come when we too, are so enamored by this creature that the thought of uprooting it causes us pain. Some of us doesn't appreciate ourselves enough to know that we should only love the ones who love us back. So we allow it to grow and cause us misery until the time comes that we all sucked out of anything we turn into stones, jaded and spent.

I am in a way, happy that I chose to uproot you. I grieved for you in more ways you can imagine and deserve. I saw you slowly die, withering away but what can you have me do? I still have people I love and want to be with and in turn, loves me back the way I deserve to be and I cannot pick an oblivious death over a blessed life.

--- * ---

Love is too grand, I don't think we could ever contain it, even if we tried. It can overwhelm our reasons and doesn't play by any natural laws we try to restrict upon it. We cannot box it up and say that's that. It's so fluid, it moves like the ocean. Sometimes you think it's gone and then it comes crashing over you, drowning you.

I don't want to see you. The fact that you are insensitive just clashes with my hyper sensitivity. I still sometimes get the blues trying to understand how we could be so different from each other when there is the unspoken language that only both of us understand to bind us. I still don't get it. And on some honest jaded days, I get to contemplate that maybe I won't ever will. Just as you won't ever understand why nothing is ever good enough for you.

What am I to you?

I simply refuse to believe that one would just forget about the existence of something supposedly important in one's life and then after a gulf of oblivion, one suddenly remembers. What do you want from me, this time? I cannot bleed for your wounds and be discarded like trash the moment you feel better. Time and time again. I'm sorry but unlike you, I have trouble getting over something I've invested my heart into.

So. no. Don't come. I don't want to see you. Live your life now like I am living mine. I am happy for you and I truly hope you will find contentment this time. Don't go running after the wind hoping to come to a full stop.

I hate you for making me wish that it was I who made the difference.

Why couldn't I forgive you, you ask?

Because you broke me.
Because along with every broken pieces of me
lies all my dreams and hopes.
Because now the happy memories hurt
and the truth became wretched lies.
Because the soul has already departed
and what is left is a trite and hallow shell.
Because you twisted meant-to-bes
into a nightmare of regrets.
Because you clipped my wings.
Because of haunted laughter.
Because of stained innocence.
Because of friendship burned.
Because of shattered worlds.
Because they sting.

Because I bleed.
Because I feel.
Because I am real.

Because the moon sing requiem for love.
Because these tears flow.
Because of lost hopes.
Because of sob-lulled nights.
Because of forgiveness forged.
Because of a marred reality.
Because of mediocre words.
Because of dash-less tombstones.
Because of soul-less songs.
Because of bleeding pens.
Because of muse-less poems.
Because of deception.
Because of lies fornicating with truths.
Because of stolen bliss.
Because of empty promises.
Because hate isn't apathy.
Because of time-stained letters.

Because after nakedness
and
stark baring my soul,

               you still lost faith in me.

Why?

               Because my Love,
                                  forgetting is not forgiving.

(And I have almost quite forgotten you.)

Can you still remember how the world stopped when I told you ours was of dreams broken people hope to embrace?

You said, "I know." in that confident tone you only use when talking with me.

I trusted that you knew. I thought that you knew. I even believed that you knew.

But you didn't, did you?

No, you never did. Because how can you ask me to not love you when you know from there springs the hope and happiness of my soul?

Would you rather rob me of my Eden, where sanity is one with madness and chaos fiddles melody that only you and me understand? Why would you silence the language that understands beyond unspoken words and reticent laughters? Why would you opt for blinding greys than iridescent burst of colors?

But despite the pretentions and the stolen longings for freedom, I also saw some truths in you and you always did make my soul happy and secure...even with your coated lies of pregnant hopes and unsolicited dreams.

I could not hate you even if I wanted to. I just miss you so much. I'm lost without your friendship. I am forgetting all the pain and the hate.

I realized that the only way for me to be truly happy and free is to remember you at your best - when you loved me with all your heart.

And because I love you, I wil let you go. Go to where tragic souls of lovers denied bathe in an eternity of dreams. Go to where radiance serenade the cherry moon while time dances with hope. Go to where love is never forgotten, preserved at her best in blissful memories, both of vivid yesterdays and of ones that never were.

I have been made conscious today of some near possible changes that might happen and I am currently upset about it. I've been reassured that things wouldn't change but isn't that just the biggest deception of all?  I'm not saying I was intentionally deceived but rather, I think that's the lie we love to feed ourselves with.

Things aren't going to change.
We are inseparable.
Pretty much that we're forever, isn't it?

I know we all wish with all of ourselves that all the good things wouldn't end. However, we also know that the only certain thing in life is change (that and death and taxes). So things will eventually change. Just like how they did back then.

I'm just blessed enough to have been given a chance to have you in my life and have known something real and priceless. Maybe I haven't said it but I hope you do know how much you mean to me. Thank you for letting me see myself in your eyes and what I saw was someone truly loved and precious. I hope you know that you're one of those things that just makes life for me beautiful.

I'm afraid to lose you to change.  I hope I never do. I pray change will be kind to us just like how it was before we got to this. If heaven will continue to smile upon us, we will find ourselves changing for the better and for a more blissful amity and understanding.

I have spoiled myself to getting used to be your number one and perhaps, part of it is your fault, too. I am loving being on the top because it's never lonely there with you. But eventually, I know you will find her, the one you were meant to have as your prize and I will have no say in the matter. I will be replaced and I'll be broken but I will be happy because I know you will be happy with her.

She will have every right to claim you from me and I will have no stake on you because  you will be her's and  you will pledge yourself to her. I will lose you and you will  find yourself and that is the tragedy of us.

Perhaps, it is indeed true. Girls and boys can never really be friends. At least not forever. It's times like these I truly abhor growing up.

I am selfish and I don't want to share you. I indulge myself too much in you and with you. Would you hold it against me to want to cling on to something that makes me feel good about myself? I'm shameless and selfish. I am proud to have found someone so easily but that takes a lifetime to some people.

I'm compelled to ask if you know that I love you but knowing you for the fool that you are, I know just what exactly you're going to say.

p.s.
I love you. Fool.