I was born on my sister's 2nd birthday and I have been told that for the longest time, she thought of me as her own child (for God gave me to her as a gift - her very own living and breathing doll) and not my Mother's or me being her sister. She literally tried to fed me and only allowed my Mom to carry me on grounds that she's yet too little to carry me.
When we got slightly older, we were still too poor for Mom to be able to buy us any toy. All extra money she ears, she buy books so she can give us what cannot be taken away from us, knowledge and education. My sister, she would draw us paper dolls with paper dresses and I'd feel like a princess, having more than a dozen "dolls" where some neighboring kids on have one or two the most.
Later on through the years, she stopped considering me her own child but rather, as her pet. I was her favorite pet squirrel. She'd build me nests made out of fluffy pillows and "cook" me food made out of Bobots, Sergs and Nips.
And since we were poor, we didn't have shower in our bathroom and she'd always try her best to give me my shower. She'd take a plastic water pitcher and a high plastic chair and she'd stand on it and pour water over me way up high the chair and she'd do this for over an hour every day. Only now have I matured to imagine what it must have been like for her. Did her arms tremble and fingers slipped trying to hold on to the pitcher for a long time? Did her legs ache as she come down from the chair to scoop water from the pail and climb back up over and over again? She must have really adored me.
Over the years, so many things has happened and needless to say, as it is with most siblings, bouts of fights over usually silly things are frequent. But the bond's always been there, even when I was away from them for over 6 years. Even apart, she'd been able to feel it when I was sick or sad. And now, she's a very good friend, a real challenge for a photography model, a good masseuse, a personal hair stylist, a witty manicurista (haha) and my defender amongst other things.
Today, I weakly swayed my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water since I'm under water therapy because I'm burning with fever plus a toothache to boot and I overheard her talking to her boyfriend, Bo and she said,
"Diane is my bestfriend."
She said it in her hushed quiet tone but it was very clear and crisp to me! Isn't it wonderful to unintentionally overhear people say good things about you? And all my life, I think that was the nicest thing she's every said about me.
My sister thinks of me as her bestfriend. She does adore me!
Today, I felt like there weren't enough time in a day. This day ended too quickly and I bit my lip and wince, suppressing the pain that shot to my back and legs. How long was I seated on that miniature stool? Surely it hasn't been 5 hours already. I wobbled my way to a few feet from my mess and tried to stretch my arms up only to curl back in pain. Looking around, I automatically counted all the clean pots and the freshly pruned and re-potted plants...1, 2, 3...9, 10...29, 30, 31.. 38! 38 clean pots! Working alone, wrestling with the woody bushes and squinting my eyes so my sweat don't trickle over my eyes, aching legs and painful back, I think it was a decent feat..considering I worked alone.
And I am happy. Gardening is so calming and therapeutic. For the first time in so many months, I was doing something productive with my mind not concocting anything drama-filled what-ifs and should have beens. I actually enjoyed my PRESENT.
I got hold of some Dahlia and Bay seeds over the weekend and have been too excited to sow them. I kept on contemplating if I should go with the usual plastic cups that we recycle from when we eat out as germinating mediums or find something else smaller and much more stable. I went around the house to look for old plastic egg trays that come along when you buy a dozen at a time. I thought they'd make a good germination tray and they did! Whee. I'm excited to see them sprouting like little green babies!
(some of the mums I re-potted today)
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"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
-Dolly Parton
There are milestones in my life where I need to protect myself from and so I don't write about them in hopes that someday, perhaps, they won't be remembered and come to haunt me back. When I think about them, I sometimes grieve and regret not remembering the details but always, after the emotional rush, I understand.
I understand that not all truths are constant and that time plays a vital role in our lives. I understand why some people are not meant to stay in our lives as much as we aren't allowed to stay in some. And although sometimes I love to linger in denials, I have found a way to cope with the fact that what have been will always be special and cannot be relieved.
The brilliance of us has gone the way of the dreams long forgotten and dead. Tell me, how does one exactly tell the moon to swallow the sun and the whispered breaths to bring back the ashes of time which yesterdays have carried away?
Have you every paused and see the falling of the grace, to weep when stars shined down?
Partitions
Last Saturday, while us geeks (brother the cow and I) were busy obsessing over the new DVD I bought, mom took her merry uninhibited free time on a downloading rampage and that somehow missed our attention come the next day until Tuesday. Tuesday morning, I saw about five new game icons on the desktop and I knew that she's tried downloading games again. We always tell her to give us the names of the games she wants to play so we can download it for her from safe sites we know but I guess she forgot. Tuesday evening, my brother complained that the games folder is locked...only one reason for that: a worm. So yeah..the PC underwent reformatting and thank God I have stored all my files into a different partition. I do learn from painful experiences after all. Hah!
Good Doctors
I think I may have found the Doctor God wanted me to find (after years and years of jumping from one clinic to another). The previous one was really mean and insensitive, I wanted to slap her. This new one is really nice and warm and not condescending. She knows how to be kind - something most doctors (or people for that matter) have somehow forgotten to be.
Reunions
Saw some of my old friends from high school and to say that we had fun would be an understatement.
Weight loss
I went to the doctor today and had a check-up and underwent a series of physical exams and I'm very pleased to see that I actually lost 31 lbs! Now, the weight loss has become something more than just a blur of speculations. Yay!!! I went 2 sizes smaller. I'm down to size 16...watch out 12! I have my eyes on you!
The gift of life
I was waiting for my food and I was sitting alone trying to get lost inside my thoughts. But the place was bursting with people and everybody was busy talking and laughing. But I didn't find the noise intrusive but rather, at that moment, sounded like a mosaic of different voices - a harmony. The music of life.
Blooming flowers
I went out early today to look at the plants and was greeted by three dainty and beautiful white roses. They were so pretty, I just had to take a picture of them. Everyday, God sends us blessings to grace our lives with beauty and we just have to know where to look. Sometimes, we complain even before we open our eyes.
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I have made a decision that I'll be posting 3BTs everyday (if possible). I believe that it'll make me appreciate life more as an undeserved gift from God, helping me cultivate a thankful heart. And should times come where storms blow and try to knock down and trample on my spirit, I'll have a list of daily things to remind me how blessed my life has always been and giving up or losing hope and faith is never an option.
