If I get a shovelful of dirt for every time I let a brilliant idea I have  settle down and get stashed up in the back of my head for "future use" I'd have mountains by now. That's never a good thing. Ever.

Today, while hunting for a clear folder in my huge pile of books and papers, I found buried deep down under the pile of all the papers and books I've managed to gather while in University (and still somehow have kept for those many "just in case scenarios" that never happened anyway) an old notebook full of random  short quips of the things that crossed my mind that time. They were so all over the place, very random and vague. And I found it so refreshing.

Why must everything be explained?  For once, I loved reading my thoughts and not knowing the reason behind them. And still they made sense. I would like to be able to read back on my thoughts one day without having to be reminded of all my emotional roller coaster that time that led me to think that way. I think I can be spared of having to go through emotional traumas twice (at least) because remembering can both be a blessing and a curse.

So why not celebrate randomness? That's life in it's most candid form, isn't it?

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There are times when I believe that life should be lived in such a way where there isn't any room for regrets and I can, on some times, convince myself I have no regrets . But who am I trying to kid, right?

I have so many regrets, so many things I would change in a heart beat if I could but believe me, right now, you are by far my biggest regret.  And the funny thing is, I could never bring myself to think of you as a mistake.

How does that actually work, huh?

Haha. I am in no such trouble, contrary to what some people jumped into concluding when I've suddenly declared "I'm on an internet break!".

I am merely just keeping out.

The people I need to keep in close contact with online, I still do. It's just a matter or prioritizing.

Been busy with a lot of things. Been sorting out things and have been trying to decide which clutter I need to keep, which ones I need to sort and which ones I just need to let be.

I'll be back again someday. Well, maybe every now and then when something comes up or if I get to find the time to chase after my increasing landslide of thoughts and process them into a few stringed words.

The weather is funny. So like my own moods lately. So many frustrations and yet, just as well, so many marvelous unfolding of miracles. Ahh...such is the way of life, mi amor.

Weight update: I gained back 5 lbs! Aaacck! I am not surprised, I actually saw this coming. I felt that my purple dress was a little snug last Sunday. Have been immersed into too much food lately, plus trying to learn as much recipes as I could for whatever given time I have left. Surprise! Surprise! Ohh, this is too delicious a secret to keep but a secret is a secret and thus it shall remain that way until it is ready to be unveiled.

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You have gone from being adored to just this annoying aftertaste that stubbornly lingers inside my mouth after I've eaten a cheap noodles.  Such a tragedy you have become.

Staying away and keeping out.

Things don't always turn out the way we want them to, and in some ways, I do find comfort in that fact since none of us really know what we want most of the times.

There are things that are happening in my life that is contrary to the things I like but I've learned from something like this happening to me before and to say that I was grateful for it would be an utter understatement.

For someone who doesn't like surprises, this one doesn't faze me at all. Of course, it helps a LOT knowing that the GOD who holds my future is not capable of making mistakes, full of grace and is the source of love and faithfulness.  Knowing that makes me at ease to whatever is coming my way. I know all will be well.

What have I been up to?

I've been quite busy, lately. And I've had so many things to write about, too. Oh, and I have been writing, just not here, though.

I meant to write about a certain particular topic for so many times now, something which really bothered me, to say the least.

The more I love, the more I learn about hate and the more I understand how people can be bitter. But I think there is a certain point in time where one can still take a step back and actually choose not to take the path to bitterness.

I have decided not to be bitter and that I have had enough of you. You don't control me and I will not allow the pain you've caused to drive me to misery.

Someday, I will forget and someday, I will read everything I have written here. I think I will mourn and hate you for as long a time as I grieve you but when I have exhausted every bit of emotion I have for you, I will forget and I want to make sure you stay that way...forgotten.

Suffice it to say that I have bled your name in paper and slowly, with each deep stroke of the pen, you ebb away. It will be burned and will be forgotten someday. But in these pages where I'll still read through years from now, you will not have the satisfaction to linger here.

I have never been the kind to give up easily on friends and usually, when I place people on a pedestal, they're considered gilded and on some special cases, golden to the core. You are the first. That's why you shall remain name-less.  I thought wrong.

You live, you learn, eh?

I will not pretend. I don't wish you well. Every time I think back on what had been good times with you, all I see are scorned moments, all pretend laughter and smiles reeking with poisonous doubt. You vile, faithless and selfish pig, once a cheater, always a cheater. I hope you feel the pain of betrayal he felt when you cheated on him.

You are such blasphemy in the name of friendship.