I know I am a very impatient person and that I tend to leap into my concocted what ifs years away from today while being utterly disgruntled in the here and now. *sighs*
I am frustrated at how things seem to not work the way I planned them to. The way I hoped them to. My heart is broken. I am mad at myself for being not good enough.
Am I settling?
I am afraid and I am tired. There are days when I feel so much pain and frustration I end up numb. Doesn't matter if I fall down - give me your best shot. It couldn't get any worse than this.
I noticed this rather odd thing about myself when dealing with myself. I observed, I tend to talk in circles and nerve wrecking mazes when I talk to myself.
Yes, I talk to myself. Everybody does. What?! You don't? You freak. What? People don't talk to themselves? Pish. Normal is boring, anyway.
Where was I? Oh, yes! Circles and mazes. How lovely.
No, really. See what I mean? I ramble in incoherent loops that I never figure out in the end. I ask questions I know the honest-to-goodness answers to and yet I deny them blindly.
I feel like I am dreaming that I'm in a dream. The dream I dream I'm dreaming (get it? Hah!) isn't exacly a dream but rather, a nightmare in a way that I couldn't seem to wake up from it where I'm totally helpless and frustrated.
I can't feel my legs and arms. I am currently emotionally depleted.