I have written some year ago how I love people-watching and the fact still remains true to this day. I love observing the way how people react to all the movements and flow of the elements surrounding them. When and if you take time to look at people, you will see how different they react and function towards different people and situations.

Nowadays, it is with much sadness that I get to witness so many acts of rudeness and ingratitude. I cannot -- to much of my dismay -- count to the excess of my fingers the number of times where I have heard and seen people actually saying please and thank you. The number gets fewer with people sensitive enough to give their seat of comfort and slide farther inside the jeepney for old people with arthritic joints and painful backs and to heavily pregnant women. I have yet to see a person who knows the rule, "it's rude to stare" and much more the passed law where it is prohibited to smoke inside jeepneys.

What happened, people? Good manners has gone the way of the dinosaur, too?

One of my many gripes when riding the jeepney is the dishonesty. If the fare is 6.50 and you give 7.00, the driver very seldom ever returns your .50 cents. Why? I'd like to know, too! It's not about being such a miser that you have to get that .50 cents from the driver when and if you can do better still even without that .50 cents. It's about honesty and what is right! If you cannot be trusted with a measly .50 cents, then what makes you credible enough to be trusted with something bigger?

Yesterday was a breathe of fresh air, though. There was a fellow commuter who clearly was not from around here. We were already near SM when he asked the driver where the bank of PI was. The driver told him that we've already passed it but that we used a different route. The driver said that he should have taken a different jeepney instead, one that's routed to pass BPI. Upon knowing that, the guy started getting up to get down and transfer to another jeepney the driver instructed him to ride when the driver gave him back his fare. The guy refused to take back the money but the driver insisted saying, "you never got to where you intended to go so you should have your money back."

Wow.

The driver was by no means at all obligated to return the money but he still did. I love random acts of kindness like that. Makes me smile and realize again that hope is not lost and that it is easily found by those who seek it.

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I revel in forgetting these days.

I don't want to remember. I want to soak in blurs and skeptical memories. So much that I have for some time now given up on writing.

Oh, but it'll come back again someday. But these things I want to forget, these things I will not remember.

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I have all my life heard and have been taught about these two, what they mean and how much they are relevant in the Christian faith. You can ask me what is grace anywhere and at anytime at all (even in the middle of my sleep) and I can automatically fire back as fast and as natural as breathing, "Getting something undeserved." Any christian (believer) knows that and probably even any small kid who attends Sunday school, too.  And if you've been born into a christian home and have been raised up in a christian environment like I have been, then you will know what I mean when I say that grace and mercy are sisters in the faith and that they fly around as often as the sun comes up every blessed morning.

The problem with familiarity though is that we often take these important things for granted. I have been reading the bible ever since I started learning how to read and yet, it's only lately that I have come to really think and consider how much grace and mercy really means to us.

Can you tell the difference between grace and mercy? Can you tell them apart? I knew they are different but that's all my understanding can afford me then. I just could not wrap my mind around the distinct difference between the two. These two absolutely go hand in hand but there is a defining line between them that explicitly tells them apart.

According to the dictionary, grace is the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God whereas mercy is defined as the compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender or an enemy. There is a difference after all. But wait. They both are somehow similar in a way that they both are favors freely given, right? Right. So they are actually the same, yes? No.

So how do you put them in a situation where one can be able to tell apart their differences? Our pastor simply puts it this way: grace IS getting something undeserved while mercy is NOT getting something [we] deserve.

Huh? Okay, let's put them in context where they both extremely matter. SALVATION.

Salvation is only through grace alone [the Bible says so]. What is this grace? Grace is the unmerited love of GOD that willed Him to send His only Son to die in our stead. Grace is the abounding love Christ have for the wretched humanity that made Him step down from glory to bear our guilt and shame. Grace is the overwhelming love of God that it broke through the barriers of time so it could reach you and me. Grace is the unconditional love GOD bestows upon us that is neither comprehensible by the mere human mind nor fathomable. We all deserve eternal damnation but because of GOD's grace, we are given freedom from the bondage of the price of sin at the expense of the life of GOD's own son. Can you imagine the proportion of GOD's love toward us?

The Bible tells us that GOD in His absolute holiness and righteousness cannot stand the very presence of sin. To give us a clearer picture at how much GOD loathes sin, the Bible describes us to be as filthy rags. The rags meant here aren't just your ordinary wiping-the-table kind of rugs. These rugs in illustration here are actually the kind that women in those days used when they have their monthly menstrual flow. Yes, disgusting. That filthy of a rug. If that rug were to be burned, would you allow your child (or any member of your family or even just a friend) give his life just to save that filthy rug? Of course not! GOD didn't have to have His only Son die for us but beyond any reason at all, He did.

We certainly don't deserve that love but God gave it to us nonetheless. There is absolutely nothing we could ever do to merit or earn that love. Now, THAT is Amazing Grace!

But what is mercy? We often say in our prayers, "Your [GOD's] abounding grace and mercy.." but do we really understand the word? Mercy is not getting something bad/negative that we deserve. Wait. What? Let me give a very simple example. If I caught a person breaking into my house to steal and I don't press charges or have the man arrested (even though law dictates that he deserves
to be), that is mercy. I remember when I was a kid, I was very prone to breaking into crazy fits of tantrums every time my afternoon naps get interrupted (ie. rough
housing between my siblings or very loud noises from the gossiping house maids). During times when my brattyness gets the best of me and I cannot be appeased by my Dad, I'd either get spanked/reprimanded or be dealt with very patiently and lovingly by my dad, sometimes coaxing me with ice cream or rides around the village. For every bratty tantrums I do that gets the patience and doting of my father instead of the spanking and scolding, those times are mercy.

So when you look at it, in a way, the very act of mercy is grace in itself. Oh, but I could ramble on for endless days about mercy and grace and still somehow will not fully grasp the greatness of GOD's love.

If only people see the tender mercies that King David so often exalted GOD about, then perhaps we may just yet be astounded and humbled enough to constantly and faithfully revere GOD for the magnitude of His grace.

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It's around this time last year when I was feeling pretty good about myself due that I was able to lose over 50 lbs. But I got too happy about it and excitement carried me away to carefree land where food is synonymous to laughter and bliss. I gained back over 30 pounds and although I pretended that I didn't care about it that much, I got really frustrated.

Oh, but enough is enough. I hate this yo-yo weight loss and I hate how I make myself feel so low because I allow myself to be lazy. I don't want to be a mediocre version of myself. I want to be the best I can be and most of all, I want to be kind to myself. I don't want to unconsciously let time pass me by and then wake up from my stupor and realize that I have cheated myself. I don't want to look back and see a life of regrets.

So maybe it's bordering to obsession lately but I can't help myself. I am realizing that I need to resolve this now and keep this as a lifestyle instead of just a healthy fad that happens to catch my whim.

I have been closely counting and so far, so good. I started exercising again last two weeks ago and I haven't slacked off yet. I have been walking for 1-2 hours everyday for the past two weeks now...this would be my 3rd week. I walk during nighttime because it's cooler and I find the star-freckled velvety blanket of the night sky soothing and relaxing. I would start walking at 10pm. I get out of the house with my dog Charlie (and my sister and my Mom although they're more of just leisurely strolling at ease) walk around our neighborhood several times over until it gets around 11 and then we go home. After securely locking the gate and the door, I'd walk on the inclined treadmill for a good hour while watching reruns(DVD) of my favorite sitcom, Will and Grace.

I have lost over 10 lbs since I've started walking and I have been weighing myself every night. Also, my doctor gave me a Pedometer last week (for free, YAY!) and I've been using it all day. I have it with me during my waking hours. I have been reading about walking as an aid to weight loss and have found out that a good number of steps a person must do to keep healthy (and permanently keep off those pounds you've lost) is 10,000 every day (ON TOP of your daily normal activities). Big thanks to my Doctor and the free pedometer, I have been able to count my steps for the last 5 days. So far, so good. I have been taking over 10,200 steps everyday and it's satisfying to be able to actually see my accomplishments even through just mere numbers on my pedometer's little screen. Also, last Sunday, my mom bought me this Body Fat Analyzer kit and when I tried measuring the percent of fat in my body, I was mortified. 48.6%!!!! That's almost 50%! What have I been doing to my body? I have to change that. I can't just throw away my life...I'm way too young to even have medications!

So I started measuring last Sunday night and it was 48.6% body fat. Then I measured again Monday night after my two hour exercise and hey, it went down to 46.25! It's working! I'm actually seeing results...maybe not yet in dress sizes but even just a tiny victory is victory nonetheless. So tonight, after my walk, I took a shower and measured again and it was down to 43.35! So now, more than ever, I'm really encouraged to keep this up! I am hoping to see that I'll go down to 30s by next week.

I have another appointment with my doctor this Saturday and I am excited! My doctor is very sweet and she's fabulous! I can't wait to see the radiant beam on her face when she gets to see my improvements!

No more Jollibee and McDo burgers and french fries for me...even when I only get to eat them twice a month. So starting right now, I'd have to be content with just looking.

Oh, most gracious GOD and Heavenly Father, please grant me the patience and discipline to see this through. Please put control in me as You are the GOD of control. Please give me wisdom to know better and may you help me take better care of this body, a living temple that You have entrusted to my keeping. May all I do bring glory to Your most holy name, Amen.

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Sometimes, you kill me - and more often than I'd like to admit, you succeed. Every time you do, I can feel my soul ebb away until all that's left is this hallow replica of who I used to be. And do you know what hurts the most?

No, not dying. Dying is easy.

It's the mechanical prodding of my senses that wills this body to go on. Everything is numb and life passes you by like a speeding car in choking liquid blurs.

Yet, nonetheless, I love you.

-----------------------------------------

Who is the green-eyed monster?

I have noticed that most people cannot tell the difference between jealousy and envy. Come to think of it, they're pretty much similar with each other. Both are driven by wanting and possessing. However, jealousy can be a good thing whereas envy can never be.

According to the dictionary:

Envy - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Jealousy - feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages

Hrmm.

Not much difference, don't you think? Of course, I don't claim to be the authority on this but this is how I see them and how I tell them apart.

Let's start with ENVY. The dictionary's definition of envy is spot on. I completely agree with it.

The problem with telling these two apart is that most people think both are the same thing. Envy deals with coveting. Coveting, no matter where or how you look at it is simply just wrong.

According to the dictionary, to covet means to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others.

There you go.

Now, let's talk about jealousy. The more I think about these two, the more I am liking jealousy. Calm down, now. Please put the freak back inside the box, slowly. Let's not go to the extremes but take this rationally. I promise, I can be rational.

No need to repeat what the dictionary already said earlier about jealousy. I do, however, have some points to uhm, well...point out.

Jealousy is not just about desiring or wanting to posses but it also is correlated to (this is what most people fail to notice) ownership. Not just wanting to own but rather, having already owned. OWNED.

When a colleague is given the position you have been dying to have, what do you say? "I'm so jealous of her/him!" -=WRONG=- You are not jealous, you never had that position to begin with. You are envious. You want to have what she/he just got. Dig?

When your partner starts spending more time with another woman/man than with you, how do you feel? Do you feel envious? Of course not! Why should you be? You don't need to covet YOUR partner. See how the word your is emphasized?

I'm not saying you OWN your partner as you do with material things. That's another subject for another entry in itself.

Moving on.

When ownership has been claimed and it seemed that due credit or devotion had not been given to you, that's when you feel jealous. When you look at it in that light, jealousy is nothing but a rightful claim. Totally valid.

I know I said that jealousy can be good but only if not taken into extreme measures. C'mon...too much of even the good stuff can still be bad, right? But jealousy in itself is rather good (I'm forever the hopeless romantic). It means you belong to and with someone. You are wanted. Isn't that what the gist of most people's angst, both young ones and the once young?

"For thou shalt worship no other god:
for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:"
Exodus 34:14, KJV

GOD is absolute and everything good, just, holy, love, kind, merciful and overflowing with grace undeserved. If HE is a jealous GOD, surely jealousy can't be a bad thing now, can it?

----------------------------

"Where were you?"

"Oh, I was out doing stuffs. You know, I have been having so many errands to do lately."

He shifted his weight to his right foot and tilted his head to the left the way he does when he's contemplating about important things to decide on; like which ice cream flavor to feast on after lunch.

"What? Stop looking at me like that!"

"These errands you run for people, are they more important to you than I am?"

I let out a loud sigh hoping that he'll get the hint of my exasperation and rolled my eyes, battling with myself if I should get into another argument with him.

I never win, anyway. Neither does he. But in his own little mind, he thinks he does and that makes a world of difference. There lies the seed of    exuberance for every possibility of argument. I can see the mischievous glint in his eyes now. I know what he's up to.

"Come here."

His eyebrows creased together in a frown as he tries to hide his surprise while figuring out what's next to come.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You heard me well." I can feel my cheeks flushing and my blood creeping up to my face. Oh, no. He's not going to win this time.

I couldn't help the smile that involuntarily eased into my lips as I see him shift uncomfortably in his feet while desperately trying to delay coming up close to me. He doesn't like surprises and I can tell he's loathing every moment of my impending victory.

About 6 feet away from me, he suddenly stopped dead on his tracks and disarmingly flashed me that impish grin. He hasn't uttered a sound yet but I knew instantly that he'd won. And he knows it. Gloat is painted all over that smug smile across his face.

He shifted his weight again to his right foot and tilted his head to the left and ever so softly said,

"why?"

There are battles that just cannot be won. That no matter how you do it, you'd still end up losing somehow. In some twisted and perverse situations, winning sometimes actually means giving up and letting go.

So you leave the cause that's left you with a burning heart for a thousand nights and let go of the thread-bare hope that's keeping you and your sanity all in one pathetic piece.

The word stalemate leaves a bitter and haunting taste in your mouth. Every memory is a slap to the face. And on some long and lonely nights, it would rain and you'd find yourself drowning in the smothering pitter patter of water on the corroded tin of your roof.

Holding a cup of tear drenched coffee, you drown yourself in the Ethiopic beauty of the world's greatest drug. Charge it to experience, you'd tell yourself in a feeble attempt of comfort.

Love is a stranger. Suddenly, it's all just war now. And you're alone. This is all too familiar now. You begin to fight yourself, starting with the infamous what-ifs. You know you still won't win this time, either.

What a shame.

so i begin this journey
once again
no,
not the road less traveled
this path i take
is well worn to bits
all trodden and hammered to dust

not a whisper of the wind
nor a sigh of the trees
no crumbling ruins
just a massive space
filled with the vacuum
of lost hopes
and shattered souls
hallow
and
void

and so

I
i scoured
and asked questions
only the fool understands
and the deaf hears

how can you tell
stupor from pain
when the sphere of the numbness
is amplified to the proportions
of sanity wrecking
wretchedness

and every day
i behold the brilliance
only the blind sees
and i have the comfort
of understanding
from a broken piano
that's played symphonies
for the falling and dying stars
in a measure
that started an octave lower
eight long lost notes
dipped in acid
and

goodbyes.

djf
00:26
01202010

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I have always wondered why the things we strive to forget are the ones that usually haunts us back when we desperately don't need (want) them to. And when they come back, they usually come back with a vengeance, towing along the little tidbits of nonsense that you thought you'd already forgotten.

Staying up alone always gets the best of me. I have opened a faucet and let lose a dam instead. I don't know how to shut it. Can't find the handle either.

Do you think it's broken?