It's not about you.

I started writing a note earlier today when I had to stop and save it, unfinished.

I tried hard to mince my words, to coat them with subtleties so that what ill feelings I still have for you would somehow be justified by a few decietfully concieved poetic lines.

I am one of the most undeserving people of the grace of forgiveness for I am too selfish and bitter to lend out forgiveness to those I once would have given my life in a heart beat to please. Betrayal is such a big issue for me.

I don't fool myself with thinking that I have forgotten. I maybe have resigned and have forgiven to an extent but where the scars have marred me, I never will forget. And for every remembrace is an equal pound of wishful thinking.

But like you, who enjoys the bliss you don't deserve, I also enjoy the love I never could afford, even in lifetimes of multiplicity. But again, we are different. For the many things that we are so alike, I have finally made the distinction, saw the blinding difference and the raw peculiarity of how different we are. Suddenly, the once incorruptible bond is no more, shattered and soon will be forgotten.

Today, I remembered Ate Aileen's post and it hit me hard, I had to lean back and gasp.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true


It's not about you.

So, you were that huge, bright star that I mistook for him. What madness it was. And I cannot count the number of times where I have told him about my regrets and how I wish I could wipe the scars away with my tears. But he always say that things of the past are of the past.

I still cry when I remember the scars. I shake with horror when I imagine how it was like and I could almost feel his pain. But he's brave and he's also wise. I love to fret over things I cannot change nor help but he would just smile and say that he's glad for our present.

I still believe that I don't deserve him and I see how blessed I am. He loves me. He is forever mine.

He told me so.