To whom much is given, much is also expected.
Expectations. This has been the cause of my many anguish since I was a kid. Some of the expectations from decades ago still haunts me. I guess, in some ways, it is flattering to know that people look up to me and expect me to do great things, both in having a career and in my personal life.
These days, I am struggling with my personal demons, the burden of living up to the expectation that I am the "mature" kid in my family.
Sometimes, I want to be the immature one. I want to be selfish and sulk and throw tantrums. I want to be a brat and pout. I want to be careless and inconsiderate. I want to play and be pampered. I want to be doted and have my elder siblings do things for me. All the things I never had. All the the things I had to give up and grow beyond their maturity level because I am expected to. And I am tired.
I remember when I was 6. My brother spent all of his allowance on computer games and took my money and my sandwich for himself. I starved that day and had to stand in a jeep all the way home because I had no money left. When we got home, I cried and told my mom on him, thinking that they'd reprimand him but was surprised to be the one who got the reprimanding. Until now, I still couldn't understand why. The bullying of my allowance lasted all through out my elementary years. I got called names, too. The ugly fat pig.
When I was in fifth grade, I had to accompany my bother to La Salle and enroll him in college. I thought it was a normal practice, then. No wonder everybody was staring at me.
When I was in high school, there was a time I loved wearing these really baggy shirts that I'd buy from Vintage stores and my brother would always take them and wear them. He'd return them with ink stains or torn hems/sleeves and when I'd get mad, I'd get reprimanded. Why? Because he's the eldest child and he deserves all "respect" - NO MATTER WHAT. That I am the lowly youngest and that I should understand and have patience with him. It wasn't until college that I learned how twisted my family "rules" were.
Another high school scene. I saved my allowance for months so I could buy my very own [cheap] radio and listen to music that I like. One day, my sister and I were listening to my radio when my brother barged into the room and announced he wants to take the radio. I said no but he persisted. He snatched the radio and took out the tape we were listening to and threw it away. I called him jerk and he threw the radio at me and it fell on the floor after it hit me and shattered to pieces. I got reprimanded for hours for "fighting against my brother" and spent four hours kneeling on mung beans.
Yet another high school scene. My sister, her bf and I went to the mall. They decided to ditch me in the arcade while they go and watch a movie. I waited there for 4 hours and never saw then again. I didn't have any money so I walked all the way to my mom's office for 30 minutes and asked the guard to lend me money. It was dark by the time I got home and I can see my parents were fuming already even from afar off. Turned out my sister forgot about me and left me there at the mall. To say that I got a reprimand would be an understatement. According to them, I should take better care of my OLDER sister and not be careless. I didn't understand it until now. Needless to say, another four hours kneeling on mung beans.
The list is endless but these particular memories are the ones that's etched and is burning in my mind. And I cannot help but feel bad. And now that we're all older and supposed to have matured and grown, it's still the same story. I get blamed for their faults and for the chores they didn't do.
A huge fight broke out last Monday because my brother didn't make his bed. It was supposed to be my job to make sure he does. SERIOUSLY. I finally asked why. Why? Why? Why for all those times I've been robbed of my childhood innocence. Why? And the answer that blew me away was, "Because you are the only mature and trust worthy of them all."
Seriously, I still don't get it. But when I can help it, I'd rather not think of these things. They make me bitter. Times like these I wish I'm jaded.