Delectable Dee
I used to believe that things are needed to be spoken or written - wishes, memories, passions and heartbreaks. I have for the longest time, believed that they are therapeutic to my soul. Of course, there was a time that it was...until recently.

Until recently (Read: the last year or so), I have avoided graphically painting my every sighs and blahs with the words I have so loved and adored. I felt like I wanted to just lie down and let things die down. All these stirring emotions, their connections to haunting memories, all the possibilities of their ruining my future and the whirlwind that  is disrupting my present - I want them all gone.

I don't want to remember. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if a person can compartmentalize every bit of emotion, every bit of everything that ever is an everything in her life? Joy? should be here, right next to bliss. Ahh, should be perfect right in between hapiness and annoyance. Oohh, testy...heartbreak, hrrmm.., I think you should go down at the very bottom and back of everything fact, you should be place well in behind the wall ductaped with guilt and lies, subtitled "selective amnesia". 

You get the picture.

I remember you, Dear Moonman. I remember you well. But I don't remember much of the things in between. I remember you too, Dear Beautiful Chaos - I loved you. I don't care anymore, come to think of it. And I also remember you, Dark Darling. You've struggled then, you still struggle now. Your roots have been uprooted and I'd glad you died. Three major heartbreaks - the wing-clippers and dream-crushers. Ironic how you three fill so much of my little frail heart more than every life-supplying happiness and fond memories my feeble life has gathered.

Lost hopes and missed loves. Dusks and deaths. Broken sighs and ashen smiles.

Oh, you tragic beauties.


Balay Negrense
Silay City, Pilipinas

i lose track of time
confusing today
for tomorrow
or that
time has stopped for me
or just
it forgot to pass me by

it can be bliss
the mind taking control
throwing away the key
burying what the heart
will not

but i
i have you safe
tucked away
indescribably so
all over me
like an eternal sunshine
you are
in a place
try as they may
they just cannot get
in to

I have hidden you well
under glorious blankets
of cornflower blue
stitched securely
by the iridescent prism
of the faithful horizon
ever there

and my love,
so are you

San Rafael, Ilo-ilo
Summer `09


I once posted this on my Xanga site a little over 5 years ago. I was scouring for old posts (I do that when I'm in a contemplative mood) and found this. I remember that I've always love this, being one of the earliest poems I composed.  I was big on rhyming, then.

Nothing Lasts Forever

Nothing lasts forever;
Seasons pass and flowers wilt,
mountains crumble and time crushes every foundation man has so faithfully built.
towers collapse and beauty fades,
youth cannot be chained and be a person's slave.

Nothing lasts forever;
I have found this to be true.
A time would come when friends would let you down and be sorry for what they've done to you.
At first, i ached but i learned to adapt,
I have to save myself from pain and hate lest I'd allow my soul for it to corrupt.

Nothing lasts forever;
but i also found something else,
it's always been there - waiting for me to hear the eternal story it tells.
it's not a slave and a respecter of time,
it just sat there in a corner, silently waiting for me to claim it mine.

Love lasts forever;
yes, it does! This love so pure and true,
it broke through time just to reach me and you.
When everything else failed i realized this love sustained,
when friends deserted me this love remained.

A love to hold forever;
when faith falters and hope is gone,
when promises are broken and bonds of trust has come undone,
when despair would block the sunshine the morrow would bring,
this love would cradle you when doubt would start its sting.

Nothing lasts forever;
nothing but this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break a heart of stone.
This love can last forever. Yes, this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break your heart of stone.



My Love
there  are immortal moments of us
and daily I strive to outlive them

to render everything bleak
to swim in whispers of prayer
and sighs so tangible
as the dancing blades of the field
to soar in the arms of hope
and have dreams touch your face
tangling the wild abandon of your hair

let us find beauty
bask in the candid glory of everything bare
seek moments defined by faith
and know
everything is possible
and reason is blind
the truth lies here
in the small cluttered gap
between you and me
where breaths mingle with sighs
and shadows paint crimson hues
and whispers blow gilded secrets

you break me
and amaze me
letting me fall
and catching me
and swooning
and adored

and you
you are the melody that fiddles
the dance that sends embers
and consuming
burning me
and you
you love me
like blessed light gracing my darkness
finding beauty in my ashes

your story is
entwined with mine
shadow and the light
the saving grace
and the fallen


I despise this, this need so great.

I would love to think that I am, that I can, that I will and that I can stand on my own, turn away and never look back.

But alone in my thoughts, when robbed of the majesty of light, when feeble chatters and needless want grow mighty and consuming, I still always find myself crumbling, so insecure and filled with doubt.

Oh, but where I am weak there mirrors your strength. And when I cry, there I realize I am most blessed that I feel, that I hurt and that I bleed.

I am a human being, made of flesh and blood. I am not stone. I am a woman. (And perhaps the insecurity and state of being so emotionally needy all the time springs from the cold pit of men's insensitivity.)


Not of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone,

but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single
minute, you didn't grow
under my heart - but in it.

Fleur Heylinger


I am excited to see her again. It has been exactly two years since we last met and this time, she's visiting my sugar laden shores. A lot has changed with her and I am taking this chance to see her again before she move on to conquer another mountain, before she blaze another trail.

Things are well again and as always, I have this silly grin plastered on my face.

--- * ---

Today, I have come to gather the courage to face the death of another dream. I am not broken-hearted, amazingly enough, I feel no pain. Perhaps I have grieved for this death long enough and now is the time to move on.

Sometimes, the winds of change brings along with them seeds of possible relationships. People who touch us and we let them grow into the soils of our hearts. But although love is too grand, we still need to choose wisely on who we let grow in our hearts. we are but mere humans, feeble and can be emotionally depleted and if we want to be there and last for the ones we love [that really does matter], we have to choose.

Some seeds grow only to hurt us, their roots constricting our hearts, choking us until we're all too parched up to give anything more. The problems come when we too, are so enamored by this creature that the thought of uprooting it causes us pain. Some of us doesn't appreciate ourselves enough to know that we should only love the ones who love us back. So we allow it to grow and cause us misery until the time comes that we all sucked out of anything we turn into stones, jaded and spent.

I am in a way, happy that I chose to uproot you. I grieved for you in more ways you can imagine and deserve. I saw you slowly die, withering away but what can you have me do? I still have people I love and want to be with and in turn, loves me back the way I deserve to be and I cannot pick an oblivious death over a blessed life.

--- * ---

Love is too grand, I don't think we could ever contain it, even if we tried. It can overwhelm our reasons and doesn't play by any natural laws we try to restrict upon it. We cannot box it up and say that's that. It's so fluid, it moves like the ocean. Sometimes you think it's gone and then it comes crashing over you, drowning you.


These things I do not fully grasp.
These trivial madness
of desperation and fleeting comfort,
where bane urgency
drives the need for brazenness
because warmth is no longer felt.
contentment has gone the way of the ashes.

Do you feel my pain?

Where I demand for romance,
I burn every breath
then cower in the shadows
bruised and ashamed,
not knowing what I am
or what I have become.

In the darkness where I bury my tears,
and in echoing sobs
where my cries are drowned,
suffocated by my fears;
terrified that if I dare face the light
my unhappiness will swallow me,
shackling me to the chains of my griefs.

How can you touch me
and not feel me?
How can you love me
and be blind to know
the anguish that eats my soul?

I try to have faith
but even the sweetest melody
falters to soothe the cracks.
And doubt strips me naked,
weak and void,
severely lacking of anything
worth hoping.
And the nights are cold and mean,
the dawn bleak and ashen
and once again
I am haunted.

Last night,
you broke my heart.


Note: Pineapple and a glass of cold chocolate milk as a midnight snack isn't very friendly to the tummy.

I've been sick for two days now and I am hoping to be well and able by tomorrow, at dawn if possible. I have so much to do that I've put off because I have been too dehydrated and weak. I am not a bread person but bread's all that I've been eating that somehow stays put inside my tummy. Such anguish. Ugh.

I need to call the embassy tomorrow. The sooner I can get these things done with, the better.

Have you ever tasted Nestle's Banoffee Ice cream? I somehow find it funny tasting in a weird sort of way. I took a spoonful and decide it's not for me so it's been in the freezer for a week now. My sister tried it too and so did mom. So I figure that they both found the taste weird as well.

I heard Magnolia's back. I haven't seen any Magnolia product being distributed in the stores here so I'll be watching for them. I really loved their Flavor of the Month gimmick.

I am looking forward to spending Christmas with Frank and his family but seeing as how things are going at this rate, I better not keep my hopes up. Summer in Ireland, then?

I am also excited for Thanksgiving. Much of the reason for it is the choir. I miss singing.

Everyday, I find glorious reasons to thank God for a blessed life and for loving me so much, He gave me Frank. Everyday, there's a new found hope and reason to celebrate. Everyday, I see myself beautiful and loved.

It's all about love.



When all the world is sleeping
frozen for a pattern of time
I'd seek you out
only to find
you've gone with then
leaving me behind.

Your face,
a lifelike ivory
so fair
glazed with silver hues
from the ethereal crescent lemon drop.

I hear you breathe
in a shallow rhythmic trance;

a sigh,
a gentle stir,

your heart beats steadily
- perhaps
a lullaby from a dream.

I'm content now,
I'm hearing the nocturne of your soul.

A love song.

Dusk over rice paddies, Murcia
Neg. Occ.
, Philippines


There are people who are just simply too exhausting to keep. They are the ones who are unbelievably so conceited and vain, that being around them is purely a lot of work and is draining. They must be constantly lavished with attention and affection. They pout and throw a tantrum should you direct your attention to something else not towards their general direction. They are very needy and they cling too much to the point of strangling. They tend to be very sweet and loving at first but as time goes on, they start to choke you with their constant demands for petty things that should not be the point of one's attention 24/7.

They get possessive and jealous when you talk to other people. They want you to devote your attention to them while they're around but the problem is, they ARE constantly around. They have to be the center of attention and the everything else should revolve around them because heaven forbid, people should dare try to lead their own separate lives.

They don't want to talk; all they ever need is your constant praise. You talk to them about something else for a change and they pretend you never said a thing. You might as well have been talking to a brick wall. For something different, you can shift to a new topic like how one time they did this or had that or was just given praise about this and that. Anything else is good as long as it's about them.

And well, yeah. I am too damn tired of them. Enough is enough!

I don't want to be in constant update with your life; I have my own to live. I care about you but I care about other things, too. I love to talk but please, let's make this a pleasing conversation where you and I share both our little worlds and not as if I'm in class. I am very appreciative of things, especially beautiful ones and I love giving compliments but please don't force them out of me - you only make me abhor you.

Please don't be selfish that all you want is you to be everything for everyone. If you so much want to see your reflection at all times, go see a mirror. The world and everything else does NOT revolve around you so stop acting like they do. Stop blackmailing your friends emotionally that you force them to hide at the very thought of you.

Get a life. And stop begging - you look like a dog!