If I get a shovelful of dirt for every time I let a brilliant idea I have  settle down and get stashed up in the back of my head for "future use" I'd have mountains by now. That's never a good thing. Ever.

Today, while hunting for a clear folder in my huge pile of books and papers, I found buried deep down under the pile of all the papers and books I've managed to gather while in University (and still somehow have kept for those many "just in case scenarios" that never happened anyway) an old notebook full of random  short quips of the things that crossed my mind that time. They were so all over the place, very random and vague. And I found it so refreshing.

Why must everything be explained?  For once, I loved reading my thoughts and not knowing the reason behind them. And still they made sense. I would like to be able to read back on my thoughts one day without having to be reminded of all my emotional roller coaster that time that led me to think that way. I think I can be spared of having to go through emotional traumas twice (at least) because remembering can both be a blessing and a curse.

So why not celebrate randomness? That's life in it's most candid form, isn't it?

-------------------------

There are times when I believe that life should be lived in such a way where there isn't any room for regrets and I can, on some times, convince myself I have no regrets . But who am I trying to kid, right?

I have so many regrets, so many things I would change in a heart beat if I could but believe me, right now, you are by far my biggest regret.  And the funny thing is, I could never bring myself to think of you as a mistake.

How does that actually work, huh?

I have been inclined to go back to sewing again because of my wardrobe problem. I have been resizing clothes the past week because none of my old ones fit me well now. And unlike before when I was doing the yo-yo game on losing weight where I'd just stitch the sides of my dresses, blouses and/or pants but leave the excess fabric intact for future uses should I gain my weight back again, this time, I decided to cut off the excess fabric so there won't be any turning back.

I was browsing the net looking for sewing patterns when I came across this article and I loved it, in a sense that I KNOW I should keep a copy for myself to remind and help me keep my eyes fixed on my goal and not go astray. I will enlarge/bold  the ones that apply to me or the ones that hits a nerve on my case and italicize/bold the ones that bothers and irks me.

100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds

1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… “gee youhave such a pretty face”.
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy”.
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back..or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants.
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others! 60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
63. One size fits all and it fits you!
64. To have a lap.
65. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself.
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit.
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..I’M WORTH IT!

- Author Of List Unknown

"Am I one of them?"
"No. You're not entirely there, yet."
"Okay, good."

But you are absolutely the reason why I said what I did which made you ask that and yet, I cannot have the guts to tell you. I wish I'm mean and brave enough to crush you and hurt you the way you do me.


"..coated with adoration? What do you mean?"
"You ask that as if you don't know me."

But it was then that I realized that indeed, you don't know me at all. How could you not?


"You're an idealist, just like me."
"Such a tragedy, huh?"

I don't think we're the same. We are completely different types of idealists. For one, I don't purposely hurt the people I love and who loves me with stupid and convenient reasons like, "She deserves someone better than me." Yes, she does and I pity her for it but she also truly loves you and I believe that love  alone can make the unworthy worthy. Why must you spend all your energy proving her wrong instead loving her back the way she deserves to be loved back?

Thin love is no love at all.

*A postsecret.*

It is a known fact that almost all women love pearls. Especially women who collects jewelries or dresses to the nines and flutters about day in and day out with jewelries as part of their lifestyles.

They are considered elegant and classic and can be seen nearly on every wedding. It is said that a pearl can enhance a woman's beauty, somehow by just wearing it. It's even praised for being so easy to keep and maintain. The best way to to keep them lustrous and shiny? Simply wear them always. Nice, huh? Not only that, they have the reputation to go well with just about any outfit - and yes, even with casual! They also add class and elegance to the simplest formal attire. As the way the saying goes, "Every one looks good in pearls!"

But not me. I don't like pearls. If I can help it, I'm not going to wear them. Yes, I admire their elegance but I don't want that sort of "beauty" around me.

If we approach it scientifically, we'd be using snazzy names that makes us common folks double take and go, "Say what?!" But I am a self confessed romantic (and I like it that way, haha) and so I'll stick with the romanticized version of how pearls are made.

It is said that when a grain of sand enters or gets caught inside an oyster, it irritates it and thus, as a defense mechanism, the oyster secretes a mucus-like substance to coat the intruding substance. This substance builds up around the object and forms into a hardened coat and thus a pearl is made. Okay..so to look at it in a romanticized point of view, the sand hurt the oyster and the oyster cries and it's tears coated the culprit and whaddayakno, a lustrous beautiful pearl is born. Such beauty being the price of pain.

So, no. I'd rather wear my plastic/glass beads in their rainbow array of childish colors, I don't mind. Or let me have them door-knocker hoops that makes me look juvenile, I can strut it.  I am happy to be branded as a gypsy with my arms covered by layers of beads and hoops and my hair wild and seemingly un-kept to frame around my kohl-lined eyes, to each his own. But in my own world where I prefer to see things through rose-stained glasses, where dreams are as vital as the air I breathe and where I am called overly sensitive and dramatic because I still give a damn, I would rather not be a part or give support to something that was made into whatever it is now from the pain of others.

And a lot of people nowadays can be such pearls. Proud and happy, strutting around all beautiful and glowing that people just couldn't help but be lured by and around them. Come to think of it, we're all practically pears. But there's always somebody behind the curtains. Someone who's life has been pledged to pain and toil, sweat, blood and tears just to get you [to get US] to where we are now. And oftentimes, these people don't want much but our time and sincere affection, a whispered thank you and well-earned warm hugs.

I am constantly in awe of how God reveals to me how blessed I am, how much I have been cradled in love. Everyday, I find reasons to be humble, to know that I am nothing apart from love.

---------------------------
Mom and I
Thanksgiving celebration at Church
November 2008

To whom much is given, much is also expected.

Expectations. This has been the cause of my many anguish since I was a kid. Some of the expectations from decades ago still haunts me. I guess, in some ways, it is flattering to know that people look up to me and expect me to do great things, both in having a career and in my personal life.

These days, I am struggling with my personal demons, the burden of living up to the expectation that I am the "mature" kid in my family.

Sometimes, I want to be the immature one. I want to be selfish and sulk and throw tantrums. I want to be a brat and pout. I want to be careless and inconsiderate. I want to play and be pampered. I want to be doted and have my elder siblings do things for me. All the things I never had. All the the things I had to give up and grow beyond their maturity level because I am expected to. And I am tired.

I remember when I was 6. My brother spent all of his allowance on computer games and took my money and my sandwich for himself. I starved that day and had to stand in a jeep all the way home because I had no money left. When we got home, I cried and told my mom on him, thinking that they'd reprimand him but was surprised to be the one who got the reprimanding. Until now, I still couldn't understand why. The bullying of my allowance lasted all through out my elementary years. I got called names, too. The ugly fat pig.

When I was in fifth grade, I had to accompany my bother to La Salle and enroll him in college. I thought it was a normal practice, then. No wonder everybody was staring at me.

When I was in high school, there was a time I loved wearing these really baggy shirts that I'd buy from Vintage stores and my brother would always take them and wear them. He'd return them with ink stains or torn hems/sleeves and when I'd get mad, I'd get reprimanded. Why? Because he's the eldest child and he deserves all "respect" - NO MATTER WHAT. That I am the lowly youngest and that I should understand and have patience with him. It wasn't until college that I learned how twisted my family "rules" were.

Another high school scene. I saved my allowance for months so I could buy my very own [cheap] radio and listen to music that I like. One day, my sister and I were listening to my radio when my brother barged into the room and announced he wants to take the radio. I said no but he persisted. He snatched the radio and took out the tape we were listening to and threw it away. I called him jerk and he threw the radio at me and it fell on the floor after it hit me and shattered to pieces. I got reprimanded  for hours for "fighting against my brother" and spent four hours kneeling on mung beans.

Yet another high school scene. My sister, her bf and I went to the mall. They decided to ditch me in the arcade while they go and watch a movie. I waited there for 4 hours and never saw then again. I didn't have any money so I walked all the way to my mom's office for 30 minutes and asked the guard to lend me money. It was dark by the time I got home and I can see my parents were fuming already even from afar off. Turned out my sister forgot about me and left me there at the mall. To say that I got a reprimand would be an understatement. According to them, I should take better care of my OLDER sister and not be careless. I didn't understand it until now. Needless to say, another four hours kneeling on mung beans.

The list is endless but these particular memories are the ones that's etched and is burning in my mind. And I cannot help but feel bad. And now that we're all older and supposed to have matured and grown, it's still the same story. I get blamed for their faults and for the chores they didn't do.

A huge fight broke out last Monday because my brother didn't make his bed. It  was supposed to be my job to make sure he does. SERIOUSLY. I finally asked why. Why? Why? Why for all those times I've been robbed of my childhood innocence. Why? And the answer that blew me away was, "Because you are the only mature and trust worthy of them all."

Wow.

Seriously, I still don't get it. But when I can help it, I'd rather not think of these things. They make me bitter. Times like these I wish I'm jaded.

I despise this, this need so great.

I would love to think that I am, that I can, that I will and that I can stand on my own, turn away and never look back.

But alone in my thoughts, when robbed of the majesty of light, when feeble chatters and needless want grow mighty and consuming, I still always find myself crumbling, so insecure and filled with doubt.

Oh, but where I am weak there mirrors your strength. And when I cry, there I realize I am most blessed that I feel, that I hurt and that I bleed.

I am a human being, made of flesh and blood. I am not stone. I am a woman. (And perhaps the insecurity and state of being so emotionally needy all the time springs from the cold pit of men's insensitivity.)

----

Not of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single
minute, you didn't grow
under my heart - but in it.

~@~
Fleur Heylinger

I am excited to see her again. It has been exactly two years since we last met and this time, she's visiting my sugar laden shores. A lot has changed with her and I am taking this chance to see her again before she move on to conquer another mountain, before she blaze another trail.

Things are well again and as always, I have this silly grin plastered on my face.

--- * ---

Today, I have come to gather the courage to face the death of another dream. I am not broken-hearted, amazingly enough, I feel no pain. Perhaps I have grieved for this death long enough and now is the time to move on.

Sometimes, the winds of change brings along with them seeds of possible relationships. People who touch us and we let them grow into the soils of our hearts. But although love is too grand, we still need to choose wisely on who we let grow in our hearts. we are but mere humans, feeble and can be emotionally depleted and if we want to be there and last for the ones we love [that really does matter], we have to choose.

Some seeds grow only to hurt us, their roots constricting our hearts, choking us until we're all too parched up to give anything more. The problems come when we too, are so enamored by this creature that the thought of uprooting it causes us pain. Some of us doesn't appreciate ourselves enough to know that we should only love the ones who love us back. So we allow it to grow and cause us misery until the time comes that we all sucked out of anything we turn into stones, jaded and spent.

I am in a way, happy that I chose to uproot you. I grieved for you in more ways you can imagine and deserve. I saw you slowly die, withering away but what can you have me do? I still have people I love and want to be with and in turn, loves me back the way I deserve to be and I cannot pick an oblivious death over a blessed life.

--- * ---

Love is too grand, I don't think we could ever contain it, even if we tried. It can overwhelm our reasons and doesn't play by any natural laws we try to restrict upon it. We cannot box it up and say that's that. It's so fluid, it moves like the ocean. Sometimes you think it's gone and then it comes crashing over you, drowning you.

Note: Pineapple and a glass of cold chocolate milk as a midnight snack isn't very friendly to the tummy.

I've been sick for two days now and I am hoping to be well and able by tomorrow, at dawn if possible. I have so much to do that I've put off because I have been too dehydrated and weak. I am not a bread person but bread's all that I've been eating that somehow stays put inside my tummy. Such anguish. Ugh.

I need to call the embassy tomorrow. The sooner I can get these things done with, the better.

Have you ever tasted Nestle's Banoffee Ice cream? I somehow find it funny tasting in a weird sort of way. I took a spoonful and decide it's not for me so it's been in the freezer for a week now. My sister tried it too and so did mom. So I figure that they both found the taste weird as well.

I heard Magnolia's back. I haven't seen any Magnolia product being distributed in the stores here so I'll be watching for them. I really loved their Flavor of the Month gimmick.

I am looking forward to spending Christmas with Frank and his family but seeing as how things are going at this rate, I better not keep my hopes up. Summer in Ireland, then?

I am also excited for Thanksgiving. Much of the reason for it is the choir. I miss singing.

Everyday, I find glorious reasons to thank God for a blessed life and for loving me so much, He gave me Frank. Everyday, there's a new found hope and reason to celebrate. Everyday, I see myself beautiful and loved.

It's all about love.

There are people who are just simply too exhausting to keep. They are the ones who are unbelievably so conceited and vain, that being around them is purely a lot of work and is draining. They must be constantly lavished with attention and affection. They pout and throw a tantrum should you direct your attention to something else not towards their general direction. They are very needy and they cling too much to the point of strangling. They tend to be very sweet and loving at first but as time goes on, they start to choke you with their constant demands for petty things that should not be the point of one's attention 24/7.

They get possessive and jealous when you talk to other people. They want you to devote your attention to them while they're around but the problem is, they ARE constantly around. They have to be the center of attention and the everything else should revolve around them because heaven forbid, people should dare try to lead their own separate lives.

They don't want to talk; all they ever need is your constant praise. You talk to them about something else for a change and they pretend you never said a thing. You might as well have been talking to a brick wall. For something different, you can shift to a new topic like how one time they did this or had that or was just given praise about this and that. Anything else is good as long as it's about them.

And well, yeah. I am too damn tired of them. Enough is enough!

I don't want to be in constant update with your life; I have my own to live. I care about you but I care about other things, too. I love to talk but please, let's make this a pleasing conversation where you and I share both our little worlds and not as if I'm in class. I am very appreciative of things, especially beautiful ones and I love giving compliments but please don't force them out of me - you only make me abhor you.

Please don't be selfish that all you want is you to be everything for everyone. If you so much want to see your reflection at all times, go see a mirror. The world and everything else does NOT revolve around you so stop acting like they do. Stop blackmailing your friends emotionally that you force them to hide at the very thought of you.

Get a life. And stop begging - you look like a dog!