I don't want to see you. The fact that you are insensitive just clashes with my hyper sensitivity. I still sometimes get the blues trying to understand how we could be so different from each other when there is the unspoken language that only both of us understand to bind us. I still don't get it. And on some honest jaded days, I get to contemplate that maybe I won't ever will. Just as you won't ever understand why nothing is ever good enough for you.

What am I to you?

I simply refuse to believe that one would just forget about the existence of something supposedly important in one's life and then after a gulf of oblivion, one suddenly remembers. What do you want from me, this time? I cannot bleed for your wounds and be discarded like trash the moment you feel better. Time and time again. I'm sorry but unlike you, I have trouble getting over something I've invested my heart into.

So. no. Don't come. I don't want to see you. Live your life now like I am living mine. I am happy for you and I truly hope you will find contentment this time. Don't go running after the wind hoping to come to a full stop.

I hate you for making me wish that it was I who made the difference.

I have heard and read several times ago that we humans love "because" while God loves "in spite of". Now, it would be too purely hypocritical for us to say that we don't love "because". We always love because.

I am not saying that there is something wrong with that. The key words there aren't "because" or "in spite of" anyway but rather, love. I just think that we're wired like that. We love because.

I have always thought that humans are naturally greedy. Some of us with sense and decency will fight the urge to want more and to have more all our life. We try to be selfless and to give and appreciate the simple things in life. If it's not in simplicity, then perhaps we can settle in moderation. But we try not to be too greedy.

But when we're all alone and lost in our thoughts, who's to deny that we do crave and covet for things (that may not actually make sense to other people) that appeal to us and to our senses? But for all the things we all selfishly hunger for, the most noble of them is love.

I think, love is the only thing we selfishly desire but that in sincerity makes us selfless in return.

And since I am human and most carnally so, I love you because you love me. I love you because in spite of all my flaws and scars, you still choose to love me. Because you saw me when I was just a blur to the rest of the world. Because when you embraced me, you also embraced my sins and didn't flinch away. Because I see myself beautiful in your eyes. Because you made me believe that I am broken yet beautifully and perfectly so. Because you are real. Because your love rains on my dry and parched up soul. Because you make me laugh and have never made me cry. Because I know I am the world to you. Because I know you'll give up everything for me. Because robbed of everything and anything, I know you'd still love me and lovingly so.

How do you comfort someone who is going through pain you can only dare to imagine? How do you answer questions you yourself have asked for a lifetime? How do you make someone understand a logic braced by faith when logic alone doesn't make sense? How can you shelter a heart that's selflessly dying to save others from pain?

There are times when the mind and the heart goes hand in hand. But when circumstances dives to extreme and the heart drops to the abyss of grief, the mind tries to make sense of what is mad and in attempt to hold reason together, it snaps and you'd be amazed at how fast a human's defense mechanism takes over. Overnight, a new man emerges and you gasp in blatant disbelief on how both extreme personalities could possibly co-exist in one body.

I know he's still in there. Deep down, probably tired and weary, resting along with the questions that deafens and are left unanswered. I believe that with enough patience, prayers and constant love, I will get to see the blessed day he'll come back again.

When words of comfort and promises of understanding and love fall to deaf ears, what do you do? When nothing is good enough and things doesn't make sense, how will you live? When madness reigns, turning friends to enemies, sending paranoia to hunt you down, how do you go back to who you once were?

How do you forget a memory too big a milestone, it killed everything that's good? How do you start being a person after the soul's died? How do you suppose to know love after love's fled away.

What's left is a hallow and tired shell of a tragic yesterday. The broken and dry image of what once was is a bitter reflection of how dreams are when they die. Blind and senseless eyes stare back in mocking desperation. Perhaps, a remembrance of a distant longing of a distant life.

They are beautiful.

My Love, they are. I can't help but sigh and marvel at them. They are such tragic beauties. Today, proud and ravishing like a peacock and I wish I can preserve them forever like they are. They more than just brightened my day. My heart swells with love and happiness. I feel so pretty and special.

Thank you.

I am surrounded by unbelievers and I have long ago given up trying to explain because the mind will go mad trying to understand what the heart refuses to see.

Because the world will hardly ever understand.

I have wrapped you in utmost care with silken threads of my dreams and have hidden you close by, where only the mystical glimmer of sunsets light your every soul. There, you age with miracles and you bath along the twilight of the dawn. You are constantly washed in fervent desire and fidelity so old and faithful, the wind serenades the trees with its song. Your every step lands a prismatic glow of showers to the throbbing hopes of my iridescent dreams. your breath binds me to you in a glorified bondage, surreal and ethereal.

Because you came along and lit up my monotonous life of dull gray and bleak white, painting sunshine anywhere your sweet caresses would land. Golden hues and blazing bronze, everything in a splash of sheer magnificence.

And because, my Love, the world will never understand, let us and let us love.

I forgot which movie it was that I watched this week but I member well what one character said.

"If it hurts, then it isn't Love."

Of all the many senseless things I've heard in my life, that was the most revolting. Love hurts. Love hurts. People bleed because of Love. People choose to die because of Love. Love, amongst all its other attributes, most certainly hurts. It can't be love if it doesn't hurt.

I simply refuse to believe that the world is overflowing with masochistic people who enjoys the bitter sting of pain just for the kicks out of it.

I know of a girl. She's very lovely and smart. She writes beautiful prose and breathes grace as she dances the world in tiptoes. I imagine her toes are as broken as the pieces that lay on the floor. With her heart as flat, like old soda, pointless, unflattering, and unrelentingly hopeful. I drank her brokenness because although we're both complete strangers, I have found kinship in her pain. But she's stopped writing, for over a year now. I would like to think that she's finally happy. That she no longer needed to bleed to write. That she no longer needed pain to sigh.

If you have read, seen and felt this emotion that binds us all lovers together, then you would know that pain is the shadow of love. To ask for love without pain would be asking to embrace a soulless devotion. A mediocre bliss and a passionless romance.

Pain doesn't defile love for the volume of pain mirrors the magnitude of love. Love cannot be defined without pain. For how can you measure happiness without a string of tears?

Even the Son of God bled and died for Love.

I remember the time your heart left the Emerald Isle and your smile fluttered upon my sugar laden Pacific shore, I caught my breath on my throat and my heart was suddenly rendered feeble, too fragle to take another beat. I thought I would die, like an invisible hand was gripping my chest but suddenly, your name escaped my lips so naturally, it sprang from me like fresh clean water gush out from springs. And when we touched, it felt so candid and innate, like the feeling of a soft lullaby carressing  the tender cheeks of a sleeping babe.

Now this nostalgia of how we were is so great I find myself thinking of you all my waking hours, branding your memory into my being and breathing your name in my sleep.

My lips still remember how you felt like, my skin remembers how your hot breath feels like and my whole being tingles with how it felt like to be in your arms, to hear you whisper to me that you love me. To be away from you is torture. To know that you're unbearably near yet impossibly far is beyond patience and desire.

Oh, but to know that every sunset to  leave me anticipating is one step to the dawn of bliss of when we're together again. It won't be too long now, when your sun will once again shine upon these longing shores and when finally I'll leave my caramel glaced isle and soar my way to your arms.

sunset veiled by sugar canes
Talisay City, Negros Island
Philippines

I celebrate you for many beautiful reasons. I would love to paint your stark magnificence with words I could dare breathe but I am afraid I will only mar your radiance.

I cannot convince the world your perfection but surely, my Love, I can show them how you love me.

Past all blunders and everything selfish, you have seen my nakedness and traced all my scars with love. You have indulged me in my foolishness and crazy dreams, patiently waiting, holding forever in your gaze. You have written me sonnets, bragged me to people and have called me yours. The most beautiful stake, to be yours. You have called me beautiful when everyone else saw mud. When I told myself I am never good enough, you never fail to show me I am more than enough. Your love's the best and I am forever thankful for you. Of all your many serenades, nothing was more beautiful than telling me I make you happy.

But most of all, your patience. Ahh, my Love, your patience. You are the only person who is able to show me forever every single blessed day.

Oh, and what bliss! I call you Mine.

So, tell me what you think, and tell me what you feel
I want to hear the thunder I'm so quick to steal
Listen to the dreams you're dreaming and celebrate you
Let me show you what a treasure you are
A priceless gift from heaven to this thankful heart
I want to take this lifetime to celebrate you
I want to celebrate you

(SCC - Celebrate You)
~Signs of Life~

Why couldn't I forgive you, you ask?

Because you broke me.
Because along with every broken pieces of me
lies all my dreams and hopes.
Because now the happy memories hurt
and the truth became wretched lies.
Because the soul has already departed
and what is left is a trite and hallow shell.
Because you twisted meant-to-bes
into a nightmare of regrets.
Because you clipped my wings.
Because of haunted laughter.
Because of stained innocence.
Because of friendship burned.
Because of shattered worlds.
Because they sting.

Because I bleed.
Because I feel.
Because I am real.

Because the moon sing requiem for love.
Because these tears flow.
Because of lost hopes.
Because of sob-lulled nights.
Because of forgiveness forged.
Because of a marred reality.
Because of mediocre words.
Because of dash-less tombstones.
Because of soul-less songs.
Because of bleeding pens.
Because of muse-less poems.
Because of deception.
Because of lies fornicating with truths.
Because of stolen bliss.
Because of empty promises.
Because hate isn't apathy.
Because of time-stained letters.

Because after nakedness
and
stark baring my soul,

               you still lost faith in me.

Why?

               Because my Love,
                                  forgetting is not forgiving.

(And I have almost quite forgotten you.)

In my loneliness and fear,
through every pain every tear
There's a God who's been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone,
when my heart had no song
Still my God has been faithful to me

Every word He promised is true
What I thought was impossible
I've seen my God do

He's been faithful, faithful to me
Just looking back His love and mercy I see
When in my heart I have questioned
And failed to believe
He's been faithful, faithful to me

When my heart looked away,
the many times I could not pray
Even then He's been faithful to me
The days I've spent so selfishly,
reaching out for what pleased me
Still in love He's been faithful to me

And every time I come back to Him
I see Him waiting with His open arms and I know once again

He's been faithful, faithful to me
Just looking back His love and mercy I see
When in my heart I have questioned
And failed to believe
He's been faithful, faithful to me

(Carol Cymbala)

-----  ~@~  -----

This is the song we practiced today for the choir to sing for tomorrow's Sunday Service. This song just moves me to tears.

I know I haven't got the faith of a child and that I struggle with my doubts. When things don't to according to my plans, I often times (I am not going to deny that) falter and ask Him why? And there have been times when I already know the answer why but because I am stubborn and I hurt more because I'm proud, I still ask why.

I am in awe of His unfailing grace and mercy. I cannot ever understand how He can love a wreck such as I but I am eternally grateful that He is love and faithful.

To God be the glory and a blessed weekend to you all!