Delectable Dee

"Am I one of them?"
"No. You're not entirely there, yet."
"Okay, good."

But you are absolutely the reason why I said what I did which made you ask that and yet, I cannot have the guts to tell you. I wish I'm mean and brave enough to crush you and hurt you the way you do me.

"..coated with adoration? What do you mean?"
"You ask that as if you don't know me."

But it was then that I realized that indeed, you don't know me at all. How could you not?

"You're an idealist, just like me."
"Such a tragedy, huh?"

I don't think we're the same. We are completely different types of idealists. For one, I don't purposely hurt the people I love and who loves me with stupid and convenient reasons like, "She deserves someone better than me." Yes, she does and I pity her for it but she also truly loves you and I believe that love  alone can make the unworthy worthy. Why must you spend all your energy proving her wrong instead loving her back the way she deserves to be loved back?

Thin love is no love at all.

*A postsecret.*


My Love
there  are immortal moments of us
and daily I strive to outlive them

to render everything bleak
to swim in whispers of prayer
and sighs so tangible
as the dancing blades of the field
to soar in the arms of hope
and have dreams touch your face
tangling the wild abandon of your hair

let us find beauty
bask in the candid glory of everything bare
seek moments defined by faith
and know
everything is possible
and reason is blind
the truth lies here
in the small cluttered gap
between you and me
where breaths mingle with sighs
and shadows paint crimson hues
and whispers blow gilded secrets

you break me
and amaze me
letting me fall
and catching me
and swooning
and adored

and you
you are the melody that fiddles
the dance that sends embers
and consuming
burning me
and you
you love me
like blessed light gracing my darkness
finding beauty in my ashes

your story is
entwined with mine
shadow and the light
the saving grace
and the fallen


Sometimes, we have to lose the people we love most in order for us to realize how much they mean to us.


I despise this, this need so great.

I would love to think that I am, that I can, that I will and that I can stand on my own, turn away and never look back.

But alone in my thoughts, when robbed of the majesty of light, when feeble chatters and needless want grow mighty and consuming, I still always find myself crumbling, so insecure and filled with doubt.

Oh, but where I am weak there mirrors your strength. And when I cry, there I realize I am most blessed that I feel, that I hurt and that I bleed.

I am a human being, made of flesh and blood. I am not stone. I am a woman. (And perhaps the insecurity and state of being so emotionally needy all the time springs from the cold pit of men's insensitivity.)


Not of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone,

but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single
minute, you didn't grow
under my heart - but in it.

Fleur Heylinger


I am excited to see her again. It has been exactly two years since we last met and this time, she's visiting my sugar laden shores. A lot has changed with her and I am taking this chance to see her again before she move on to conquer another mountain, before she blaze another trail.

Things are well again and as always, I have this silly grin plastered on my face.

--- * ---

Today, I have come to gather the courage to face the death of another dream. I am not broken-hearted, amazingly enough, I feel no pain. Perhaps I have grieved for this death long enough and now is the time to move on.

Sometimes, the winds of change brings along with them seeds of possible relationships. People who touch us and we let them grow into the soils of our hearts. But although love is too grand, we still need to choose wisely on who we let grow in our hearts. we are but mere humans, feeble and can be emotionally depleted and if we want to be there and last for the ones we love [that really does matter], we have to choose.

Some seeds grow only to hurt us, their roots constricting our hearts, choking us until we're all too parched up to give anything more. The problems come when we too, are so enamored by this creature that the thought of uprooting it causes us pain. Some of us doesn't appreciate ourselves enough to know that we should only love the ones who love us back. So we allow it to grow and cause us misery until the time comes that we all sucked out of anything we turn into stones, jaded and spent.

I am in a way, happy that I chose to uproot you. I grieved for you in more ways you can imagine and deserve. I saw you slowly die, withering away but what can you have me do? I still have people I love and want to be with and in turn, loves me back the way I deserve to be and I cannot pick an oblivious death over a blessed life.

--- * ---

Love is too grand, I don't think we could ever contain it, even if we tried. It can overwhelm our reasons and doesn't play by any natural laws we try to restrict upon it. We cannot box it up and say that's that. It's so fluid, it moves like the ocean. Sometimes you think it's gone and then it comes crashing over you, drowning you.


Note: Pineapple and a glass of cold chocolate milk as a midnight snack isn't very friendly to the tummy.

I've been sick for two days now and I am hoping to be well and able by tomorrow, at dawn if possible. I have so much to do that I've put off because I have been too dehydrated and weak. I am not a bread person but bread's all that I've been eating that somehow stays put inside my tummy. Such anguish. Ugh.

I need to call the embassy tomorrow. The sooner I can get these things done with, the better.

Have you ever tasted Nestle's Banoffee Ice cream? I somehow find it funny tasting in a weird sort of way. I took a spoonful and decide it's not for me so it's been in the freezer for a week now. My sister tried it too and so did mom. So I figure that they both found the taste weird as well.

I heard Magnolia's back. I haven't seen any Magnolia product being distributed in the stores here so I'll be watching for them. I really loved their Flavor of the Month gimmick.

I am looking forward to spending Christmas with Frank and his family but seeing as how things are going at this rate, I better not keep my hopes up. Summer in Ireland, then?

I am also excited for Thanksgiving. Much of the reason for it is the choir. I miss singing.

Everyday, I find glorious reasons to thank God for a blessed life and for loving me so much, He gave me Frank. Everyday, there's a new found hope and reason to celebrate. Everyday, I see myself beautiful and loved.

It's all about love.



When all the world is sleeping
frozen for a pattern of time
I'd seek you out
only to find
you've gone with then
leaving me behind.

Your face,
a lifelike ivory
so fair
glazed with silver hues
from the ethereal crescent lemon drop.

I hear you breathe
in a shallow rhythmic trance;

a sigh,
a gentle stir,

your heart beats steadily
- perhaps
a lullaby from a dream.

I'm content now,
I'm hearing the nocturne of your soul.

A love song.

Dusk over rice paddies, Murcia
Neg. Occ.
, Philippines


You ask me why I am melancholic.
It is because my Love,
paradise is not Paradise
without You.



I still have the letters of yesterdays that are now seemingly remnants of a fragrant dream. They now start to stain, the edges dull and permanently creased. They look rather beautiful, actually. Every now and then, I love to trace my fingers along the thick folds of the envelope that holds the secret of a thousand dream that's died.

On some crazy rainy days, I love to spill them all in a wild array of tear soaked confetti and lavish in the secret rapture that I alone, for a time, held the  throne of your heart. And the selfish bliss that is peddled by the knowledge that you cried and bled for me, too. We were beautiful and we had gilded dreams together.

But as all forces must come into balance, our amity blinded us to the folly of love, ever thinking that it is fair. You are still a stubborn pig and I hate you for loving me less. I don't blame myself for ever thinking that what you can give me is never good enough because even during the times where you loved me the most, you never did give me the love I know I deserved.

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to dance alone in a song that's meant for lovers? A song that's been birthed and will die a myth.

I have finally found myself in the course of chasing after the wind of the impossible you. I am glad you happened and much more so, I am glad that we're past this. I am glad that there's still and us.

Someday, I will tell my story. My story with you in it. But as well as with him. I am truly blessed. I would only be so proud to say I had two great loves in my life.

But only, you are not my destiny.


There are celebrations that amazingly could not be defined by words. You are one of them, my Love. And together, we too, are one of them. I am constantly rendered speechless. Nothing too grand, an ebb and flow of candidness. A life of ordinary, a tale of two lovers, the entwined sighs of halves, broken yet, harmoniously laced together.

You are like my happy pill and I am constantly addicted to you.

I have noticed long ago that I tend to write better when I am sad or lonely. That when happy, I lose my sense in words. And before, I have mourned for my happiness because I hated to be robbed off of words but now, I don't care at all.

You must be the one great love of my life because for you, I'll gladly stop writing and be swallowed in the cocoon of our blissful little world.

I wasn't lying when I said I've never loved someone as much as I love you. I am a romantic person and a silly one at that, most of the times. When I loved in the past, I did love greatly. But be not overwhelmed by the shadows they cast for they are just that. They are now shadows because of you. Where once they engulfed me in the dark belly of their pain, you shone and came through, obliterating their judgment and fear.

And I love you.

I see you everyday in the corner of my eyes. I inhale the scent of you in the randomness of places and people. And when I do, I choke and I remember how lonely I am without you. I miss you.

When will I see you again?