tonight
on this hour unnamed
i am suddenly swept
by this force
this longing
stronger than my will
although just a whisper
a tiny speck of days gone by
i have to write about you
at least,
once again
until the will crumbles
beneath the disarming jolts
of
memories
a distant reflection
a mock
a faded brilliant eye of god
a shooting star
catching for a wild ride
trail blazing for the grave
a mediocre once-upon-a-time
that was robbed
the glamor of
its ever after
undeserved
yet, nonetheless
remembered
djf
01:18
01192010
Let's consider honesty, shall we?
What kind of person struggles and fights hard the natural urges of forgiveness? It's not even pride that peddles this resistance.
It's not that I can't forgive you. I just don't want to.
I'm not even mad at you anymore. And I am currently in far too deep my appathy to really care if I remember or not.
I think I reserve the right to be as blunt and brutally honest as I really am in this little nook I've declared mine. I used to mince words on certain things because I know how easily people with your stalker ability can google me.
But what was I being careful of, anyway?
So let it be known that I am not kind nor am I sweet. I am selfish as I am zealously malicious. I do not lavish on these but the natural me is a mean and inconsiderate person. I hold grudges and I take oaths of pay-back seriously. I am, however, constantly struggling to be the person I believe I should be (and not who I am).
But should push turns to shove and things come to the point where choices have to be made, I will no doubt be selfish enough to pick myself over people. Well, most people, that is. There are literally just a handful of people I can live with and the glorious thing about that is the fact that that list includes myself. I can live with myself. I believe there are too few people who can honestly say that about themselves.
Can you?
Of the people I would instantly give my life for, without any doubt or second guesses, they are few and too far in between. Cloaked in adoration and biased prejudices, the elites of my selfish heart. The little budding reasons why sparks of miracles still happen within.
You know, you were actually getting there. Almost. And honestly? I honestly don't think you deserve it. Just as I think you do not deserve forgiveness.
But what the hell. It's not like you actually asked for it in the first place, eh?
Bitch.
And the tragedy is this:
I will not lose you but it seems that I have. I refuse to aknowledge that somehow, I am over you. Or worse, that you have finally left me.
There would be no replacing you. Absolutely, and most assuredly, no. There is nothing existing that could replace the persevering bliss of your ellusive charm, almost tormenting, teetering to madness and desperation.
Do not deprive me of your magnificence. Would you rob this poor soul her sanity and fleeting they may be, intangible source of bliss? I know there are many others. Perhaps more desperate and obsessive and ultimately sure more deserving than I will ever be. But isn't love and passion enough to hold you back?
I promise, someday, I will give you justice. I promise I will bleed more for you. Sleepless nights and khol rimmed eyes and yet, these eyes still burn for you. This deceitful mind, it refuses abandon. The other passions have turned into sunken dreams and all buy you, linger.
Let me be your fool and everyday, I will love you twice as much as I curse you. Who do you favor and why? I almost wish I love you. But I don't. I, in fact, resent you for what you do. Or don't.
I do, however, desire you. I long and desperately yearn for you. There are eternal moments in every hour that I strive to deserve you. Sometimes, you make me so.
Sometimes.
You tell me you're disappointed with me as if I care about what you think. Maybe I should. I don't know. Life has a way of changing people, even to an extent one wouldn't have possibly dared imagine.
Perhaps, a few years ago, I would have.
There is something wonderful with aging and growing old. There is also something worthwhile with every pain of let downs people allow you to go through. One can only mourn and grieve so much. I believe that life doesn't give one much option, most of the times. When one needs to move, you either dive in or linger on the ledge all afraid and unprepared until you are helplessly knocked off to fall, anyway. Life is cruel and beautiful like that. You either decide to take the reins and dive or decide to fall...it is always your choice which way you go. It doesn't stop there, either. When you hit the swallowing enormity of the water (or time) you get to choose again whether you sink or swim. Most of us choose to sink, giving out feeble excuses that we didn't know how to swim. Excuses are already signs of defeat.
"Life's unfair" is a constant whine that's been well worn to taters since time immemorial. Heaven knows how many times I've used that, too. But on some moments of glorious realizations, we get a glimpse of the beauty of the truth. Life is too precious as it is too fleeting. Only the deserving deserves to live.
I believe that life in its entirety is a gift. It has been given to us but it isn't entirely free. You have to work for it, you have to live it to experience it. Otherwise, you'd just be an empty and pale reflection of what could have truly been. A gift is given but you won't have it until you acknowledge it and make the effort to receive it.
Knowing isn't the same as having. Just as much as existing is as different to living.
I will not stain my present and mar my future getting all worked up with your mediocre and hypocritical opinions of me. You are miserable in you own way and choosing and I cannot change that for you. But I'll be damned to allow you to take me with you as you decide to sink. I would love to clash swords with you. Sometimes, I imagine battling with you and I'd harbor this selfish smile knowing you'd loose. It would be to my utter satisfaction to defeat you and be merciless, rubbing all your shame and mistakes against your raw humiliation, all painful still and bleeding.
Oh, make no mistake of thinking I'm incapable of cruelty. I am as sinister and evil as the burning sin of Eve. To leave you all bewildered and ignored is currently a bland victory for me, but it is victory nonetheless.
I am beyond you and will always be. I will not stoop down to your level. I will choose my battles well. You are not that worthy an opponent. Such a shame, on your part, that is.
Besides...have you not heard the counsel of the wise?
"Never fight with idiots.
They'll drag you down to their level
and beat you with experience."
Such is the case with you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bacolod Port
November 2009
I beg of you, do not test my patience.
I have willingly chosen to fall deaf and blind to everything I should have not, and have silenced the constant flow of my better judgment. I pray you realize that I will not subject myself again to such depravity. I will not be made into a thief of my own self just to cater to your selfishness and pride.
You are yet to witness the measure of my anger and you are yet to see the eye of my storm. If you continue with your foolishness, you will get to see the monster that you are, reflected by the mirror of myself.
Take forgiveness while it is still offered and do not be so hasty to slap the only face that smiles upon you. Second chances are a luxury even the deserving can barely have these days and listen to me when I tell you that you are not one of them.
You have burned your bridges for but a fraction of a mediocre smile and empty laughter. Can you not hear the resonance of the hallow promises? You are as stupid as you are young, throwing away a lifetime of adoration and loyalty to a few run-of-the-mill deceptions.
It has been an interesting encounter with you. For the little prick that you are, stay out of my way or I will not hesitate to destroy you and swallow you with my wrath.
Ah, and so I'm back to rant about my seemingly favorite topic. LOVE.
Cheesy, ain't it? Haha
Actually, no. I'm just here for a quick rant. The love boat is gliding along perfectly fine, thank you very much.
I have once, long ago, considered make-up to be a vice, something I just love to do but not really a need. And along with that also belong cellphones, computers, internet and lotions. (it's my list so shut up) But now, in this time and age, all these things have become more than just mere accessories to us. They (computers and gadgets, not lotion) have become the pillars of this age's commercial empire. And where does make-up come in with that? Nowhere. Hahaha
I actually truly love make-up. But it's also become a part of me, of how I function as a person. I'm not saying I couldn't live without it, but that doesn't mean that it's already a vise. I Need it. (For you little girlies out there who've just hit puberty and are still waiting for your boobs to drop off from high heavens...this isn't you.) I need make-up to help me project the inner me. I mean, come on! Haven't any of you, at one point or another wished that your faces were canvases and that you have all the time and element in hand to paint yourselves a new face? If you can honestly say you've never had that urge at least a fraction of a second once in your life, then you're as dead boring as a rock. In fact, my pet rock is more interesting than you.
And here again lie our extreme differences.
Read my lips: I WORK.
I don't just sit around all day watch TV and complain that my butt's getting big or that my tummy's bulge when I sit is higher than that of my boobs. Stupid girl! I'm not buying that "I'm proud of my natural self" crap from you, either. As dense and ignorant girl as you, you're proud of everything in your life....even the ones that you shouldn't be. If you're so proud of your natural self, then why do you hold in your tummy in vain attempts to make your bloated midsection seem smaller every time your picture is taken? Not everybody is as stupid as you are.
My point is, I am appalled at your guts to tell me that my make-up is my useless vice. I don't remember ever having any self-indulgent vice for over three lifetimes now. Unlike you who loves to spend your parents' hard earned money partying from one bar to another and then manage to get yourself knocked up by some ignoramus jerk, us working people need to look presentable and decent while trying to claw our way through the corporate world. So shut your stupid mouth and go find something worthwhile to do aside from efficiently converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
So, it's been what? Quite a while, huh? I feel like time's passed me by in a manner of a whiplash that's late for work. Has it been two months already? And even before that, when was the last time I wrote something substantial here?
Anyways, updates people?
Well, for one...I'm still writing. That is good, yeah? And I'm being paid for it. Even better, don't you think? Tee-hee. Well, I'm officially back in the work force, or so they say. I've been busy, really busy. And I've gotten sick as well. But also, I've been paid! Whee! haha. And I've helped people...although I did annoy some but eh, all in a day's work, ain't it?
I've gained back what seemingly little weight I've lost. >_< demmit! But i've got a new phone. And a new number. ^_^ I'm still not nearly half done updating and loading my contact list but I'll get there..eventually. Soon...hopefully, not that soon.
I've made new friends...found some new annoyance to whine and gripe about. Nothing but balance in the great scheme of things, eh? I've learned of people dying, causing millions of people to grieve but there are celebrations in life, like the pregnancies of people I know, and miss terribly. Ah, but the circle of life! Celebrations!!!
And although I don't know of personal friends seperating or calling off their relationships, I have however, had friends who had gotten married and have gotten engaged.
Hrrmm...what else?
I have prunned off people whom I think are but roadblocks to happiness...and that they're not really acting like friends at all, to begin with. But enough about them. I have tasty words in store for them but those words won't be served today and for two good reasons, at least.
First, would be that revenge, or something like that (at least I'd like to think so, anyway) is always best served cold. This is the shallow and careless impulsive response made by the hot headed and proud me.
Second, is that through the years (not that I've lived long enough to boast so many revering life experiences), I have learned that it is always best to step back, count to ten and take a big, deep breath of air before doing something vital as cutting of relationships. And I've read somewhere this chinese proverb which, says "Never do anything at the height of your emotion."
I'd like to think that someday, things will change again, as they faithfully and always do, and I will perhaps, find myself friends with them again. And that everything now is just a misunderstanding and that I was just overreacting. Everybody deserves a second chance, right? I know I've had more than my fair share of second and third and even up to the nth chances and heaven knows I always find ways to mess things up but I've always been met with grace.
Ah, blessed grace.
---
So, what have you been up to?
If I get a shovelful of dirt for every time I let a brilliant idea I have settle down and get stashed up in the back of my head for "future use" I'd have mountains by now. That's never a good thing. Ever.
Today, while hunting for a clear folder in my huge pile of books and papers, I found buried deep down under the pile of all the papers and books I've managed to gather while in University (and still somehow have kept for those many "just in case scenarios" that never happened anyway) an old notebook full of random short quips of the things that crossed my mind that time. They were so all over the place, very random and vague. And I found it so refreshing.
Why must everything be explained? For once, I loved reading my thoughts and not knowing the reason behind them. And still they made sense. I would like to be able to read back on my thoughts one day without having to be reminded of all my emotional roller coaster that time that led me to think that way. I think I can be spared of having to go through emotional traumas twice (at least) because remembering can both be a blessing and a curse.
So why not celebrate randomness? That's life in it's most candid form, isn't it?
-------------------------
There are times when I believe that life should be lived in such a way where there isn't any room for regrets and I can, on some times, convince myself I have no regrets . But who am I trying to kid, right?
I have so many regrets, so many things I would change in a heart beat if I could but believe me, right now, you are by far my biggest regret. And the funny thing is, I could never bring myself to think of you as a mistake.
How does that actually work, huh?
Haha. I am in no such trouble, contrary to what some people jumped into concluding when I've suddenly declared "I'm on an internet break!".
I am merely just keeping out.
The people I need to keep in close contact with online, I still do. It's just a matter or prioritizing.
Been busy with a lot of things. Been sorting out things and have been trying to decide which clutter I need to keep, which ones I need to sort and which ones I just need to let be.
I'll be back again someday. Well, maybe every now and then when something comes up or if I get to find the time to chase after my increasing landslide of thoughts and process them into a few stringed words.
The weather is funny. So like my own moods lately. So many frustrations and yet, just as well, so many marvelous unfolding of miracles. Ahh...such is the way of life, mi amor.
Weight update: I gained back 5 lbs! Aaacck! I am not surprised, I actually saw this coming. I felt that my purple dress was a little snug last Sunday. Have been immersed into too much food lately, plus trying to learn as much recipes as I could for whatever given time I have left. Surprise! Surprise! Ohh, this is too delicious a secret to keep but a secret is a secret and thus it shall remain that way until it is ready to be unveiled.
--------------------
You have gone from being adored to just this annoying aftertaste that stubbornly lingers inside my mouth after I've eaten a cheap noodles. Such a tragedy you have become.
Staying away and keeping out.
Things don't always turn out the way we want them to, and in some ways, I do find comfort in that fact since none of us really know what we want most of the times.
There are things that are happening in my life that is contrary to the things I like but I've learned from something like this happening to me before and to say that I was grateful for it would be an utter understatement.
For someone who doesn't like surprises, this one doesn't faze me at all. Of course, it helps a LOT knowing that the GOD who holds my future is not capable of making mistakes, full of grace and is the source of love and faithfulness. Knowing that makes me at ease to whatever is coming my way. I know all will be well.
~*~*~*~
And we know
that all things work together for good
to them that love God,
to them who are the called
according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
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