Delectable Dee

Alcohol and Lies.

12/3/2010 20:08:40

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Guys say the damnest things when drunk!!! (I know girls do that too, but since I am one of those girls that never drink and this is my blog after all, I can rant whatever I want to. TYVM!)

I have once been told that when drunk, a person is stripped off of all his guards and inhibitions and what they say are mostly what they really feel. Well, isn't that a hoot! And what is it with guys who flirt so blatantly when they're drunk only to turn into brooding bores when they've finally sobered up?

I don't like it when guys I consider to be friends hit up on me and flirt shamelessly at me when they have too much of a drink. That always surprises me and I've never liked surprises.  It unsettles me.  I find it really bothersome and to an extent, deceiving. Always, that puts a dent in the friendship and because I am the wired-up silly girl I am, I   always end up feeling conscious and uneasy.

Firstly, having an issue about my self-worth, I could never handle praise or admiration gracefully and whenever I'm told I am beautiful or worthy of some guy's interest, I always do the most stupid and embarrassing things that usually makes the guy cringe back and think again. I know what I do and I hate it and I hate hating myself. Where is the love, hey?!

Secondly, having said my first reason, that brings us to the problem that instantly develops after said flirting. Guys who, on normal sober state broods and treats me as if I am another guy, turns into a flirting romeo when drunk then turns back into their brooding sober state the next morning shatters whatever dreamy fragile ego that has grown overnight and it is always painful. I always over analyze things and I cannot help it.

Thirdly,  I get into an overly analytical zombie mode and I find myself in a frenzied disheveled state trying to make sense of everything. The ruckus inside my brain puts a circus to shame. Really. I always see something to read between the lines that even I, in my better self, is imprisoned inside this craziness and I shout to myself, "You fool, stop it! There's nothing to read there!" But do I stop? Of course not! No sirree! I would think, "Why is he flirting? Is he into me?" Or, "Why are we even friends?! Girls and boys can never be really friends. So...we're not really friends?" Or sometimes, the nastier questions that go like this, " Am I only flirt-worthy when a guy is intoxicated and temporarily mentally handicapped?"

You see, I am not the kindest person to myself.  I have so many pent-up issues on myself that would confuse any shrink to bits. 

My point is? Well, now that I'm so caught up with my rant, I am quite confused now myself. I don't know. I don't know.

Just that, guys! Please. Be kind to your female friends. You've no idea how unstable some of them can be..as I obviously am. Be kind because more often than not, they are the nastiest critics of themselves. Be kind. Do not drink and flirt. Do not flirt. Do not...especially when you are too damned a coward to finish what you started in an unstable, intoxicated state. 

Stupid fool!

12/2/2010 14:40:56

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You remind me so much of him.

The half smiles and the piercing looks that always steals half my breath away. The brooding silence and the stolen glances that drives my already insane imagination up the walls. 

You are not good to me. You are what my cryptonite is made of.

This is beyond shame.

I must not only be insane but concieted as well! Why do I always feel or get the feeling that there is always something MORE that is being kept away from me? Like you want to say something but then decides not to? 

Then again, who am I trying to kid? As if someone like you would ever find something worthwhile from someone the likes of me. Those kind of things just don't happen in real life...especially to me.

You overwhelm me when you shouldn't even exist to linger in the premises of my mind. Although you remind me of him, altogether you are solely you. You. 

I shall save myself the mortification and stop now. I just needed to vent. Just needed to see my thoughts printed somewhere, so I can let go of some. The build-up inside my head is terrible. I get the ever vivid active imaginations and they always leave me sad and guilty.

I am such a sad fool, today. All througout the remainder of yesterday, all I could ever think of was the song Dream a Little Dream of Me. It played yesterday and of all places and time, it played right there and then. 

I am only like this when with you and I hate myself like this. I remember well the last time I felt this strongly before. It ended up with me in a puddle of tears and haunting dreams of regrets. I should know better. But I partly blame you. And mostly myself. I should't read so much between the lines because if I know what is good for me, I'd know that what I read between the lines aren't really there. And you! You should't be drinking at all!

I'll try to fade away after this. If I let myself into my paranoia again, I'd say there's been signs alread. I'll try and stay away. I just know nothing good will come out of this. It doesn't take rocket science and even a major foor like me, on some rare lucid hours can tell. 
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Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me close and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me