Delectable Dee

I once posted this on my Xanga site a little over 5 years ago. I was scouring for old posts (I do that when I'm in a contemplative mood) and found this. I remember that I've always love this, being one of the earliest poems I composed.  I was big on rhyming, then.

Nothing Lasts Forever

Nothing lasts forever;
Seasons pass and flowers wilt,
mountains crumble and time crushes every foundation man has so faithfully built.
towers collapse and beauty fades,
youth cannot be chained and be a person's slave.

Nothing lasts forever;
I have found this to be true.
A time would come when friends would let you down and be sorry for what they've done to you.
At first, i ached but i learned to adapt,
I have to save myself from pain and hate lest I'd allow my soul for it to corrupt.

Nothing lasts forever;
but i also found something else,
it's always been there - waiting for me to hear the eternal story it tells.
it's not a slave and a respecter of time,
it just sat there in a corner, silently waiting for me to claim it mine.

Love lasts forever;
yes, it does! This love so pure and true,
it broke through time just to reach me and you.
When everything else failed i realized this love sustained,
when friends deserted me this love remained.

A love to hold forever;
when faith falters and hope is gone,
when promises are broken and bonds of trust has come undone,
when despair would block the sunshine the morrow would bring,
this love would cradle you when doubt would start its sting.

Nothing lasts forever;
nothing but this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break a heart of stone.
This love can last forever. Yes, this love alone,
this love is gentle but it can break your heart of stone.



I have been inclined to go back to sewing again because of my wardrobe problem. I have been resizing clothes the past week because none of my old ones fit me well now. And unlike before when I was doing the yo-yo game on losing weight where I'd just stitch the sides of my dresses, blouses and/or pants but leave the excess fabric intact for future uses should I gain my weight back again, this time, I decided to cut off the excess fabric so there won't be any turning back.

I was browsing the net looking for sewing patterns when I came across this article and I loved it, in a sense that I KNOW I should keep a copy for myself to remind and help me keep my eyes fixed on my goal and not go astray. I will enlarge/bold  the ones that apply to me or the ones that hits a nerve on my case and italicize/bold the ones that bothers and irks me.

100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds

1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… “gee youhave such a pretty face”.
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy”.
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back..or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants.
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others! 60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
63. One size fits all and it fits you!

64. To have a lap.
65. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself.
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit.
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..I’M WORTH IT!

- Author Of List Unknown


"Am I one of them?"
"No. You're not entirely there, yet."
"Okay, good."

But you are absolutely the reason why I said what I did which made you ask that and yet, I cannot have the guts to tell you. I wish I'm mean and brave enough to crush you and hurt you the way you do me.

"..coated with adoration? What do you mean?"
"You ask that as if you don't know me."

But it was then that I realized that indeed, you don't know me at all. How could you not?

"You're an idealist, just like me."
"Such a tragedy, huh?"

I don't think we're the same. We are completely different types of idealists. For one, I don't purposely hurt the people I love and who loves me with stupid and convenient reasons like, "She deserves someone better than me." Yes, she does and I pity her for it but she also truly loves you and I believe that love  alone can make the unworthy worthy. Why must you spend all your energy proving her wrong instead loving her back the way she deserves to be loved back?

Thin love is no love at all.

*A postsecret.*


When was the last time you were truly happy? When was the last time you took ear to listen to the faint whispers of your heart? Do you still remember how to laugh without cruelty or to smile without malice?

When I look at you, I can still see your reflection, but directly I cannot see your face. You have changed and such a change that is quite deceitful. Sometimes, I think I can see you looking back, wide-eyed and dreamy, happy and content. But like the passing of clouds shielding the sun, so swiftly you put up your guards and I see someone else altogether.

I wish people could understand you. I wish they can see the fragile soul that hides behind the tough and shallow exterior you use to keep yourself from all the threats of pain. I wish they can see the drowning shadows that lurk behind the blinding smile, the ever consuming jaws of doubt that lingers behind every sure and graceful stance. I wonder if they ever realize that every time you strut all polished and dressed to the nines is when you are actually at your lowest, the heart barely able to wheeze out the life you so magnificently pretend to have.

It is heartbreaking to know that the people who claim to  love you doesn't know  you, nor do they see you in the light where you truly shine. It is haunting to hear you faithfully cry out, hoping that anyone could hear but as always, you're met with the harsh truth that nobody cares. You have so many questions and so many answers  yet people just cannot be bothered to ever listen. And so for every song you mutely sing, you die and in the ashes rises another you, still the same yet not entirely so. Someone harsher, colder and emptier rises in the wake of your death.

If they could only see the beauty in which everything is seen by you, breathe the emotions people only feel and taste the smell and color s of everything taken for granted, then perhaps they'll understand why you are at your best and truest when you cry. And maybe, if I only know you well enough, then I could finally understand why you always find the beauty in the brokenness and desperation of could-have-beens; why you always see the bliss in the madness of pain.


I started writing a note earlier today when I had to stop and save it, unfinished.

I tried hard to mince my words, to coat them with subtleties so that what ill feelings I still have for you would somehow be justified by a few decietfully concieved poetic lines.

I am one of the most undeserving people of the grace of forgiveness for I am too selfish and bitter to lend out forgiveness to those I once would have given my life in a heart beat to please. Betrayal is such a big issue for me.

I don't fool myself with thinking that I have forgotten. I maybe have resigned and have forgiven to an extent but where the scars have marred me, I never will forget. And for every remembrace is an equal pound of wishful thinking.

But like you, who enjoys the bliss you don't deserve, I also enjoy the love I never could afford, even in lifetimes of multiplicity. But again, we are different. For the many things that we are so alike, I have finally made the distinction, saw the blinding difference and the raw peculiarity of how different we are. Suddenly, the once incorruptible bond is no more, shattered and soon will be forgotten.

Today, I remembered Ate Aileen's post and it hit me hard, I had to lean back and gasp.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

It's not about you.

So, you were that huge, bright star that I mistook for him. What madness it was. And I cannot count the number of times where I have told him about my regrets and how I wish I could wipe the scars away with my tears. But he always say that things of the past are of the past.

I still cry when I remember the scars. I shake with horror when I imagine how it was like and I could almost feel his pain. But he's brave and he's also wise. I love to fret over things I cannot change nor help but he would just smile and say that he's glad for our present.

I still believe that I don't deserve him and I see how blessed I am. He loves me. He is forever mine.

He told me so.


Hah! What were you thinking, eh?

I'm such a dork and a late one at that! After everybody's done making their own custom brushes with so many versions of Photoshop, I, on the other hand am just starting to take my first steps...getting to know the name of tools and trying to familiarize their locations. So after about 2 days of reading tutorials and practicing on so many pictures, I finally was able to make one photograph I took last year and edited it to look vintage, like it was shot decades ago. And why am I so happy? Because I didn't use those pre-set easy programs people would use so freely using websites like Picnik. wheee!!!

So behold, from this:

to this:


Red Flag
I used to hate it when I was younger. I remember wishing every time I'd get it that it would just stop forever. And then I got my wish and was so much of a fool I was delirious. No more stains and bathroom breaks to change napkins. This went on for over a year. Then I started worrying. And there had been times when it'd come back and I'd be relieved then be gone again for 3-6 months and I'd worry again. Went to a doctor and I was told it was because of my weight. Wow.  But I was really stupid to not care when I was younger until such time the issue of a possible marriage and the natural kicks that went along with it, the longing to see my own offspring. I panicked...I can't not have any children. I must!  I hated it when my Mom would nag me about my weight so every time she'd ask me about my periods, I'd lie and say I haven't had any problems. But I could never fool myself into believing that I didn't have problems. If not to myself and my Mom, at least I owe it to my future partner. That's when I finally decided I'm done fooling myself. I got the red flag today and I've never been happier about it since i-don't-know-when! Wheee!!!!

I am a sucker for mails, be it emails or snail mails. Got one today and it wasn't the usual ones I get from companies sending me bills to pay and bank statements telling me how much money I don't have. Har har. There is something gloriously magical and enchanting about hand written letters. It's like someone mailed you a piece of her/himself to you. *giggles*

It's finally so nice to grow up and know that the weighing scale is NOT an enemy. That I don't have to cower or ignore and pretend I didn't see or worse, know what one is. Now, I actually get excited when I see one, too eager to see how much I've lost over the past few days or so.


My Love
there  are immortal moments of us
and daily I strive to outlive them

to render everything bleak
to swim in whispers of prayer
and sighs so tangible
as the dancing blades of the field
to soar in the arms of hope
and have dreams touch your face
tangling the wild abandon of your hair

let us find beauty
bask in the candid glory of everything bare
seek moments defined by faith
and know
everything is possible
and reason is blind
the truth lies here
in the small cluttered gap
between you and me
where breaths mingle with sighs
and shadows paint crimson hues
and whispers blow gilded secrets

you break me
and amaze me
letting me fall
and catching me
and swooning
and adored

and you
you are the melody that fiddles
the dance that sends embers
and consuming
burning me
and you
you love me
like blessed light gracing my darkness
finding beauty in my ashes

your story is
entwined with mine
shadow and the light
the saving grace
and the fallen


It is a known fact that almost all women love pearls. Especially women who collects jewelries or dresses to the nines and flutters about day in and day out with jewelries as part of their lifestyles.

They are considered elegant and classic and can be seen nearly on every wedding. It is said that a pearl can enhance a woman's beauty, somehow by just wearing it. It's even praised for being so easy to keep and maintain. The best way to to keep them lustrous and shiny? Simply wear them always. Nice, huh? Not only that, they have the reputation to go well with just about any outfit - and yes, even with casual! They also add class and elegance to the simplest formal attire. As the way the saying goes, "Every one looks good in pearls!"

But not me. I don't like pearls. If I can help it, I'm not going to wear them. Yes, I admire their elegance but I don't want that sort of "beauty" around me.

If we approach it scientifically, we'd be using snazzy names that makes us common folks double take and go, "Say what?!" But I am a self confessed romantic (and I like it that way, haha) and so I'll stick with the romanticized version of how pearls are made.

It is said that when a grain of sand enters or gets caught inside an oyster, it irritates it and thus, as a defense mechanism, the oyster secretes a mucus-like substance to coat the intruding substance. This substance builds up around the object and forms into a hardened coat and thus a pearl is made. to look at it in a romanticized point of view, the sand hurt the oyster and the oyster cries and it's tears coated the culprit and whaddayakno, a lustrous beautiful pearl is born. Such beauty being the price of pain.

So, no. I'd rather wear my plastic/glass beads in their rainbow array of childish colors, I don't mind. Or let me have them door-knocker hoops that makes me look juvenile, I can strut it.  I am happy to be branded as a gypsy with my arms covered by layers of beads and hoops and my hair wild and seemingly un-kept to frame around my kohl-lined eyes, to each his own. But in my own world where I prefer to see things through rose-stained glasses, where dreams are as vital as the air I breathe and where I am called overly sensitive and dramatic because I still give a damn, I would rather not be a part or give support to something that was made into whatever it is now from the pain of others.

And a lot of people nowadays can be such pearls. Proud and happy, strutting around all beautiful and glowing that people just couldn't help but be lured by and around them. Come to think of it, we're all practically pears. But there's always somebody behind the curtains. Someone who's life has been pledged to pain and toil, sweat, blood and tears just to get you [to get US] to where we are now. And oftentimes, these people don't want much but our time and sincere affection, a whispered thank you and well-earned warm hugs.

I am constantly in awe of how God reveals to me how blessed I am, how much I have been cradled in love. Everyday, I find reasons to be humble, to know that I am nothing apart from love.

Mom and I
Thanksgiving celebration at Church
November 2008


Really, nothing.

Talked/chatted with Ate Therese yesterday and she said something about a picture of my lighter self (haha..I had to pause for a couple of seconds regurgitating the word "lighter" over and over again). So with noting good on show tonight and being bored, I remembered and thought, "Why not?"

So yeah, why ever not?

Being the only maniniyot in this family (really, I am starting to think that they call me uber vain behind my back...I shouldn't laugh haha but c'mon!), I can't even ask my sister to take a pic of me..she'd yawn and get bored while holding the cam and I always end up looking like a blurry fat ghost.

But really, this is also something I want to do so I'll be able to tell the difference myself once I reach my target weight.  Oh - la - lahh... I'm almost there!!!

*does a happy dance*