We all know death. We see it everyday. Sometimes, we see it in the media. We see it on TV, somewhere across the globe died or perhaps, in the papers, somewhere from the town next to us. Nobody's immune and everybody knows they'll have it coming to them one sure day. Death doesn't care if you're rich or if you're poor, or if you're a celebrity in your own right or if you're that little man on the street that everybody doesn't see. We see a young man in his mid 20s die and we shake our heads and say, "What a waste, he hasn't lived life yet." Or we see an old man die and we feel sympathy for his bereaved and say, "It hurts most to the ones left behind."

Wherever we look, it seems like nobody's ever ready for death. We all know its coming, but it feels like it isn't there until it's finally there. One would think that since we see it so often, we somehow already developed the adapting mechanism for it. Jaded isn't really the right term for it but perhaps, natural is. It's natural and rational to expect death, we say. We all would like to think we know death.

Have you tried asking people who've experienced death in family? Have you talked to mothers who've experienced burrying a child? How about an orphan who's experienced holding a dying parent in his or her arms while the parent struggles to fight for the last fleeting breaths.Have you asked a bride how it was like to wait for her lover to show up in the altar not knowing he got into an accident that's caused him his life?

We will all be strangers to death, I think, and the only time we get to be acquainted with it is when we finally expereince it first hand. Of course, experiencing it first hand would be the finality of it all.

Life is what you make of it.

I think it's not a waste when someone loses his or her life. What is a waste are the given chances every day for a person to live life for its sole purpose and instead, was lived in selfishness. What is a waste is not a life that's ended but a life that was never able to shine from the day it breathed the breath of life until the day it closed its mortal eyes. What is a waste is when a life lived and died not appreciating its worth. What is a waste is when  one consciously throw life away to destrcution in sheer stupidity and selfishness while gloating in self pity without ever thinking about the affected loved ones and the ones desperately fighting to live another day.

I sympathize for the family and friends who truly cared and loved him. Somehow, I feel disgusted that he had to do what he did but I also feel sorry for him.

Why'd you have to throw away your life? Didn't you know people cared?

I wonder, how many times do you have to say it before you truly begin to mean it.  Just like how absolute my words are everytime I say I'm done chasing the wind. Words are easy. Intentions can be quite a feat but they're never really that contending. I know, in some way, you do mean what you say just like I mean what I say. Let's both grow up and own up.

Turning the other cheek isn't particularly my style but I'm beginning to think that somehow, it's mandatory every now and then when you decide to finally let go fo all childish and silly things. Must I hit you back everytime your words sting me? It's a vicious cycle, really. Perhaps, this time, I should just wash my hands of you.

What's the point of striving to keep things the way it was before when we both know it'll never work, just like before. Deliberate stupidity. Why not just let go and save us both the tragedy of corrupting what's still precious? We talk and pretend nothing's wrong but we both know things are messed up.

When you ask me how I am doing and I say I'm fine, you know I'm not but you however, say good and know that I know that you lie. Liars. You know I lie just like how I know you know I'm not well. Why do you have to ask? You know I'll lie anyway.

I've finally decided that I won't have of this circus show. I refuse to engage in a patched-up mediocre charm driven by the shadows of yesterday. I know you'll say you don't care and I know you'll be lying just like I am now.

I'll say things dont matter anymore and you will agree. Perhaps, you'll shrug your shoulders and I'll do the same but after we've walked away from each other, just before I turn around the block you and disappear inside that building, you will look back and see me hastily turn away.

We both know better. Friends forever.

Do you still remember?

I don't know how we got to where we are now but in a way, it is comforting to know that we still are. Together? No, not that. That doesn't exactly describe us. But time is fleeting and I dare not touch you, lest I couldn't brave through the loss of you. If I won't see you ever again, I wonder, would you still linger in my memories like you did? Like you still do? If I won't talk to you ever again, will your words still haunt me and what you chose to hide from me, just the same?

I am confounded by how much I know you and still, not know entirely the extent of your stubbornness. I hate how you know you can always push me around and still i'd come running to you in a heartbeat if you need me. You are hot and cold. Extremely unstable but I marvel at how you know I know you well. Not as well as I can trace your hopes and brokenness like the back of my hand but well enough. Enough that I know i'm the only person you could be comfortable with in your own skin. Enough to know that i'll love you no matter what. Enough to know that you'll always come back to me.

I know you tried. I can still see you fight the demons of the past. I think it's wrong, how you think you're not beautiful. I could not imagine my life not knowing something so utterly precious, someone so heartbreakingly beautiful.

You will always belong. You will always be loved.

*a broken windmill a block away from the office. Broken, but beautiful nonetheless.

I was browsing through my old posts on my other site and it's been a rather amusing day. On my own, I could never remember vividly who and how I was five years ago. I can remember a fairly decent amount of the things that's happened but I could no longer remember the pattern of my thoughts. 

Reading through my thoughts was like finding out about the life of another person. Someone achingly familiar yet not totally the same. I can see how some of my ideals have changed. Some of my priorities then are now irrelevant in my life and I can see how some have evolved.

I think it shall be rewarding to read all these after a couple of years. I plan to live my everyday one step at a time, happy and content, purposeful testimonial.

I am not one to recycle posts but I'll make an exception on this one. This is too good and I think should always be kept in mind. Especially now. Adult years...tough luck.

For the Rest of my Life...

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all its blunders and tears, its follies and defeats. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with all its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake in tomorrow for it is still unborn..."

- The Return of the Rugpicker
by Og Mandino

Pretty much what the Bible said about not worrying for there is a designated time for everything although the Bible's more poetic. Both are beautifully written, nonetheless.

After months of dissatisfaction, I finally decided to man up and quit. There should be a law that states every company should have a labor protection department that is totally independent from the company's corrupted (if ever it is) belly.

I refuse to become a corporate slave. I refuse to be taken forgranted. I refuse to be exploited. I refuse to be made smaller than my actual worth.  Okay..so much for the drama. Haha. But seriously. I think it is really stupid to base one's competency and knowledge on a single peice of paper (a diploma).

I have met so many diploma boasting graduates who are in more ways can be described as stupid. Give them a book and a couple hours to read them and they amazingly memorize everything but didn't understood a thing. Learning is a lifetime journey and most of the things in life are learned outside the four courners of a classroom.

I'm awesome. I know it. Hahaha.

OKay, kidding aside, I refuse to be measured up to a measly thin paper with redundant words etched in it.

I despise companies who front people that they (the companies) are helping them (the people) by outsourcing but apparently have other bastardy (that's my word, shut up!) motives in mind.

Example: exploiting the very fertile and over flowing potentials of very idealistic natives of a foreign land.

I hate you.

I know you really see me. I know you know that I know. Somehow, still you choose to ignore me. Why? I don't understand you. I never understood you then and I guess I never will. Why do you do it? Why do you choose to hurt me so?

Was I ever right? You know I hope I am not right. Was I right when I said you can't ever be my friend? Do you enjoy what you do? Do you get something out of it? Do you, perhaps tell yourself you did good everytime you decide to ignore me? Do you give yourself a pat in the back and say, "You did good, dawg! Player! Alright!"

Pathetic.

I hope you know what you're doing because I know I'm done chasing the wind. Can't lose what you never had, right?

We went back to our old house yesterday because there was a holiday and had fun. The place still looked the same. An island in a sea of sugarcanes. The neighbors still looked the same. I used to laugh and call the place a cemetary of dreams. located just at the back of beyond and the middle of nowhere - where hopes go to die.

Well, nothing much has changed. The people are still the same. I saw a couple of new faces but somehow, they still all look the same. And by the same, I mean,  it's like comparing and old goldfish to a new one. You know this one here is new but still looks like the old one. The people are still nosy, naturally.

I found some old photographs. Well, actually a lot of them and I took them with me. Halfway through the day, I borrowed dad's motorcycle and my sister and I took a small ride to and around the old village. It was really nice to see the old staff houses. Warm feeling slowly crept up inside me as I drove through a tunnel of acacia trees. I really should have taken pictures of the houses. They're really lovely, like those posh colonial homes.

I miss my childhood.

I guess there are really things in life that are better left unsaid. There will always be times when you know you should have said it but even if the words were sprawled all over the tip of your tongue and your lips could barely contain themselves, you eventually know that you did good and right. Some things are just better left unsaid.

Sometimes, it is more sensible to just swallow it all and force a smile and bid the person goodbye and take care. In a life where the only certian things are death, taxes and change, perhaps it's wise to expect that changes are meant to keep us from harming ourselves, eventually. There are stories and lines where after a period, should just naturally end. You can't take an old chapter of your life to a new one. It's just not right. It just isn't.

Another blind fact: if a person really wants something so bad, he/she will get it. How many times have I seen or read this? How many times have I known this yet decided to turn the blind eye? Sometimes, because of my own selfish desires and desperation, I conjure up convinient reasons to cover-up certain incompetencies and I tell myself things will be alright. But they never are and will never be. 

That being said, move on.

I watched the movie The Bucket list today and the previous days before because I kept on missing some parts everytime I'd play the movie due to some activities. So finally, today, I finished it.

I like the idea of making a "bucket list". It's basically a list of things I want to do or experience before I die or "kick the bucket". It won't be a one-time deal. The list could get shorter (it could happen, but I highly doubt it) or, as obviously likey, it can get pretty long. I want it to be a life-time goal so this will be fun. It can be very challenging as well.

New goals will be added (or erased) as time goes by. In a way, I'd like to think of it as a guage for myself. To be able to see how much I've grown and matured or ...erm, not. But let's hope and work for the best, shall we?

Ever remember that saying, "When it rains, it pours."? Well, that's definitely today. Lots of things just went completely wrong the moment I woke up. I was about to begin writing another article my boss told me to do when I lost my internet connection. It wasn't just the usual slow-to-almost-zilch browsing speed but I was completely disconnected from their network. I apparently got disconnected because I havent paid my bills since November.

Hold it right there! Lower down that raised eyebrow and wipe that disbelieving and accusing look on your face.

The reason why I didn't pay since last November because I have not been getting any decent internet connection worth paying for since then. I imagine the whole floor, nay, the bulding probably knows me by now. I bet, this is always the scene whenever I'd call:

"Hello, this is Diane and my account number is *********." Then the agent on the other side of the line would push the mute button and then mouth off a, "Oh, fuck! It's her! The bitch's back!" in panic. 

So anyway, I called tech support and asked them why I got my connection disconnected. Of course, I was already expecting them to tell me the reason that it's because that I haven't paid my bills, which she actually did. So I told her what the billing dept told me (that I should disregard the billing statements I've received because the figures were incorrect). They told me to call billing dept and so I did. Billing Dept said that they've done the adjustments on the bill and they said I have to pay for a whooping ass amount of over 5 fucking K. Five thousand!!! They are seriously bat shit crazy! 5k for just 4 months having a spit's worth of service? Hello? No fucking way. Cutting through all the bullshit, apparently, they've been charging me 1,700+ per month for a package I don't have. Real competent, huh? So needless to say, after over an hour on the with them, after so many threats and shouts, they gave me back my connection. Stupid girl said she "understands" and is sorry for the "inconvinience". Like hell she does. She should try working at home writing stuffs for her bread and butter and then have her lame ass ISP fuck that up for over 5 months and then condescendingly tell her they "understand".

That's just part one. Part two would be that somehow, my Poetry page magically disappeared. I already posted a couple of poems I wrote a few years back and they were all in my other site. Now, the problem with my old one (over 5 years old site) is that I incorporated the poems along with my everyday rants so you can imagine the kinda trouble it is to browse through five years' worth of entries again.

OKay, so part three. The desktop crashed. For some uniquely family trait, it has, of course, caused a fight between mom and bro. Which, now leaves me looking for any dark corner for me to hide so I wont get sweeped up in their tornado of stupidity. And fuck no, I'm not sharing my laptop. You see, in my fantastic twisted family, sharing is the evil seed that will grow into a fucking mighty tree of greed and fight. So, no.

Part four...it must be the weather or just that time again where things just naturally dwindles down to utter brokeness. Medical science would call it hormonal imbalances and I guess, psychology would call it depression. I should be popping my prescribed pills again, I guess. Things at home are not hepling at all and I feel like I'm back to square one.

I want to run away again but this time, somewhere far and remotely impossible for them to locate. I hate their making-a-mountail-out-of-mole-hill drama and I hate their bullying and I hate how they can emotionally blackmail me and use my love for them as a weapon to exlpoit me.

Sometimes, I wish love can be depleted.